Saturday, June 18, 2011

Fat Girl Pinup

I want to talk about how I felt about this shoot, but I'm having trouble putting it into words. It wasn't awful.. a couple of photographers shot a few photos. It was a group shoot so I was one of several models and it seemed a bit like I had to beg for scraps. Many of the models were fawned over- half a dozen or more photographers circling them. I spent most of the time walking in circles, talking to friends, and just waiting. Some friends couldn't get away from photographers long enough for me to speak to them, but I seemed to have plenty of time on my hands. One of the few times I felt awkward and self conscious.

As the photos began being posted on the group's website I began feeling more and more alienated and I saw page after page after page, hundreds of photos, go up of every model except for myself. Now, a few people finally posted- a good friend posted several and there were two others. Another photographers emailed me photos. And still it seemed like I had to fight for those. I don't like feeling like the obligatory model. The one people take photos of so she doesn't feel left out (which generally doesn't happen to most models, of course).

Now is that what really happened? I have no idea. It's probably partly colored by my perception, my mood at the time, maybe my outfit wasn't good enough, and maybe that I drove an hour and a half for it so my expectations could have been too high. It's just so much different working with a photographer one on one. When I work with a single photographer I know they want to work with me and I know why. I've spoken with them, they know my mission, and they have ideas just for me. In a group I feel insignificant and overlooked.

One more thing to work on. It's interesting that I spent most of my fat life trying to blend in and fade into the background. So afraid that if I was noticed it would be negative and now I spend so much of my time trying to be noticed. To challenge people's perceptions and to figuratively rub my body in other people's faces. To  try so hard to do that and then not be chosen, or noticed is an interesting new feeling and not one that I particularly like. I'm reminded that I'm not as far down the road of real acceptance as I like to think most of the time. But then I also have to remind myself that I'm further than I was and that I have to be grateful for that.










By Tyson Carroll


 By Susan Bryan

9 comments:

  1. Awww. That must be difficult. *hugs*

    Lovely outfit, great photos! You rock!

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  2. Sorry that your experience wasn't that great with this photo shoot. But lookin at these pics you are absolutely stunning!

    love your outfit and your haircolor!

    xoxo
    A_riot
    http://thickthreads.blogspot.com/

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  3. These pics are gorgeous! Fuck the bastards that don't give you attention! I know how that feels though. I am easily hurt by such things. It's no wonder then why I keep telling my friend that I simply cannot be a plus size model. ha-ha!

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  4. The photos you did get are beautiful, especially that second last one with so much emphasis on the colour of your eyes. Wow!

    I'm sorry that so many of them bought into the beauty ideal bullshit though.

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  5. I love the top photo especially (with the shoes).

    Your blog is great, keep up the good work.

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  6. The pictures are gorgeous no matter what though. You look fabulous!

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  7. thanks everyone! I love the pinup style and I'm so glad you're enjoying it too :)

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  8. This recently happened to me. It was a shoot at an American Pinup's house. There were 3 photogs total. 1 took about 6 shots of me, none of which were remotely good looking. The other photog took a good amount but I ended up with about 7 photos from her and 0 on her professional page. And only 1 on the hair and makeup artist's page.

    I'm supposed to be doing another one later this month but after looking at their portfolio, I'm cancelling. Not a single fat model.

    I was really hoping this was going to help my self-esteem but it didn't. I think it made things worse. Sorry to write a novel.

    ~ Amber

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