Fat Girl Pinup

I want to talk about how I felt about this shoot, but I'm having trouble putting it into words. It wasn't awful.. a couple of photographers shot a few photos. It was a group shoot so I was one of several models and it seemed a bit like I had to beg for scraps. Many of the models were fawned over- half a dozen or more photographers circling them. I spent most of the time walking in circles, talking to friends, and just waiting. Some friends couldn't get away from photographers long enough for me to speak to them, but I seemed to have plenty of time on my hands. One of the few times I felt awkward and self conscious.

As the photos began being posted on the group's website I began feeling more and more alienated and I saw page after page after page, hundreds of photos, go up of every model except for myself. Now, a few people finally posted- a good friend posted several and there were two others. Another photographers emailed me photos. And still it seemed like I had to fight for those. I don't like feeling like the obligatory model. The one people take photos of so she doesn't feel left out (which generally doesn't happen to most models, of course).

Now is that what really happened? I have no idea. It's probably partly colored by my perception, my mood at the time, maybe my outfit wasn't good enough, and maybe that I drove an hour and a half for it so my expectations could have been too high. It's just so much different working with a photographer one on one. When I work with a single photographer I know they want to work with me and I know why. I've spoken with them, they know my mission, and they have ideas just for me. In a group I feel insignificant and overlooked.

One more thing to work on. It's interesting that I spent most of my fat life trying to blend in and fade into the background. So afraid that if I was noticed it would be negative and now I spend so much of my time trying to be noticed. To challenge people's perceptions and to figuratively rub my body in other people's faces. To  try so hard to do that and then not be chosen, or noticed is an interesting new feeling and not one that I particularly like. I'm reminded that I'm not as far down the road of real acceptance as I like to think most of the time. But then I also have to remind myself that I'm further than I was and that I have to be grateful for that.

Byr Peggy Btucher:

By Tyson Carroll

 By Susan Bryan