Skinny people, I see you: Taking up space where you shouldn't and what to do about it

Two photos side by side of a light skinned fat woman with medium

length pink hair in a black top with greenery in the background.

The right picture shows the woman after the photo was put through

facial improvement software, making her face and nose slimmer as

well as making her eyes more symmetrical and larger and her lips

plumper.

I see you skinny people. I see you struggling. I see your self confidence issues. I see you hiding your
stomach in a one piece bathing suit because you're too afraid of a bikini. I know that self loathing body issues are not exempt for you. I know that fatphobia affects you.

Now let's talk about what else I see and don't see. I don't see you sticking up for me, the fattie. I see you occupying space in fat acceptance instead of raising up the voices of fat people and allowing us the space you occupy. I don't see you trying to change fat oppression. I do see you trying to change "skinny shaming" though. I see you equating "skinny shaming" and fat oppression as if hurt feelings are the same thing as dead children. I see you screaming for yourself, but not for me. I don't see you in my social media posts where I have to defend myself against fatphobes with no allies to help me. I see you subtly contributing to fatphobia and then crying "but I'm an ally!" when called out on it. I see you asking me to educate you on my oppression, but I don't see you trying to educate yourself. I see you, right now, about to type "not all skinny people!" to defend yourself instead of reaching out to your fellow skinnies and helping end my oppression.

Here's the thing, asking you to help end my oppression does not discount your experiences or suffering at the hands of fatphobia and the patriarchy. All it says is that, in this particular instance, fat people are suffering more than skinny people when it comes to fatphobia. In the same way, the patriarchy informs toxic masculinity which affects men negatively, but it's going to, by definition, affect women and femme presenting people more.

Regardless of how fatphobia bleeds over onto you, remember that it's targeted at me. You still hold power over fat people and have privilege in a world that favors you over us. I know it's not a power you asked for. It may not even be a power you want, and I get that. I have privileges too. Hell, I even have relative thin privilege compared to people who are fatter than I am. Being a size 22/3x, I can buy a lot of clothes that just don't exist in a 4x or larger. I can fit some places that people larger than me can't (like airplane seats and certain chairs, and even medical equipment), I can, mostly, be left alone in public depending on where I am, and I see people, however rarely, who represent me. These are all things that give me some privilege because privilege exists on a sliding scale. Thin people, have all these and more, including important ones that can mean life or death (such as having a doctor take your illnesses seriously).

Basically, it doesn't matter how badly you feel about your body, you're still the oppressor. I'm still the oppressed. I have the right to be angry at you, regardless of your personal issues, I have the right to express that anger, I have the right to have access to fat only spaces and to insist that you don't get to be a part of it.

Mostly though, your job as an ally is to always be learning, always doing better, and always taking pressure off of my shoulders. Your job is to educate other thin people (people with internalized fatphobia you don't need to deal with because you can't police how someone deals with oppression- even if those ways are shitty and oppresses other fat people). So next time your facebook friend posts a fatphobic meme or comment, try educating them, posing links to information and posts from fat people. When a fat person speaks, don't be so quick to jump in with your experiences- try just supporting your fat friend and quietly being there for them. Don't ask us to educate you, but rather, when you don't understand something, or have questions, ask a group dedicated to intersectionality and education or google articles or posts by fat people. Remember too that you can take all of the rules of allyship in an intersectional setting and apply it to fat acceptance and fat liberation.

Ally is not an identity, it's not a title that you get once and you're done. It's an ongoing, organic, thing that takes emotional labor and mental effort on your part. The emotional labor and mental effort that I put in is on a daily, hourly, and even minute by minute basis. Please take some of that from me. I see you, and want you to know that I see you (all day, every day, whether I want to or not), so please.. see me as well. Because my suffering is made invisible, but you can do something about that.

"I like big women, but" Syndrome

We get fat hate from everywhere and pretty much constantly. When someone admits to being attracted to larger bodies you expect that attraction and resulting relationship to come with respect and love and be free from stigma and, yes, fat hate. But that's not always the case. In r/bodyacceptance on reddit as well as in my day to day, I've run into a few people with "I like big women, but" syndrome. It's a serious medical condition and symptoms include confusion, cognitive dissonance, bodily convulsions that result in foot-in-mouth disorder, and often the inability to function properly in romantic interpersonal relationships. The patient presents with classic signs of showing attraction to larger bodies, but also classic symptoms of fatphobia and sizism. The cure? Take some HAES and call me in the morning when you're stopped being a raging asshole.

On r/bodyacceptance this syndrome was difficult to deal with and it resulted in comment and post removals, issuing warnings and, finally, banning the individuals from the group. I recently encountered this issue (for the second time) in my personal life (and no, it wasn't a romantic interest directed at me, but rather one of my friends, but it was still personal- more on that in a bit). If you haven't seen it (and you've saved up your mental health points) you may want to take a look at Tim Minchin's "Fat Children" song which includes such lovely lyrics as "Do not feed doughnuts to your obese children" and such ableist gems as "So you're telling me that your family Has a history of obesity You got the polycystic ovaries Your mum had childhood diabetes But and in your  case There's a fucking big butt Do you think it's an appropriate treat The all-you-can-eat at Pizza Hut". Let's not forget such contradictory lyrics as "Tell them they have to jog Until their jogging shorts fit 'em If they hesitate, ask firmly If they still resist, hit 'em" (emphasis mine) and "It's [being fat] tantamount to child abuse" (can you spot which statement is actual child abuse?). So you can see why someone whom I considered a friend posting this would be quite upsetting. Especially a friend who was dating another friend who happened to be fat. 


I was horrified and couldn't imagine that he'd post this on purpose. Maybe.. maybe he was posting it to show how disgusting it was! Yeah.. yeah that's it... oh but no. Upon inquiring I was simply told that a fat child is the result of bad parenting and that, yes, fat children should be taken away from their homes. I know I know. You've probably seen this particular treasure discussed in the fatosphere quite a lot, especially after the JAMA article about the same thing, although at least they were advocating only "worst case scenarios" and "last resorts" where as this friend of mine, we'll call him Vader (because I'm a geek and I want to, that's why), believes that even 20lbs "overweight" is grounds for an investigation by our already overworked and over burdened social services department. 


I don't have to tell you that taking a child out of an otherwise loving home, away from the only people they know and care for, and sticking them in the foster system where they will likely be bounced around from home to home, and very possibly will never find a home before they're kicked out on their 18th birthdays is far more abusive than any exercise in "over feeding". We have problems with rampant child abuse, children being beaten or called worthless. We have kids that grow up with strung out parents. Kids who are terrified of going home. Kids who are sexually abused. But fat kids should be the priority here? I don't think so. 


Don't worry, I comprised a logical, calm, well thought out reply with references to studies that show that weight is mostly genetic with other contributing factor with lifestyle being on the lowest rung of the ladder. I even threw in some personal anguish about what would have happened to me if someone had deemed my mother abusive just because I was fat along with asking him to explain why I was fat while my brother and sister remained slim on exactly the same diet and amount of active play. The response? Oh... oh my. It didn't even make me angry at first.. I just sat there, mouth gaping, thinking, "wait.. what?". Prepare yourselves. The response was that "yes, I know it's largely genetic.." (good so far..?) "but only for adults". BAM! Can you comprehend that either? I didn't think so. Vader's justification? Kids have faster metabolisms than adults and therefore they can't be larger based on genetics. According to him, there is no such thing as a naturally fat child, it's 100% lifestyle. Yes folks, "obesity" is genetic, but only once you turn 18. Not that I could get him to explain thin  people who ate junk food and watched TV all day. Maybe they don't exist in his world (or just cue the cognitive dissonance part of the disease. It's not about lifestyle if you're thin, only if you're fat; that good 'ole double standard).  


Of course, poor Vader must have just been deeply confused after saying that (for adults) it was genetic but there was "no such thing as a fat person who eats healthfully and exercises". Does he realize that all of this fat hate he's spewing is directed at his girlfriend too? Does she? I see far too many fat men and women who internalize all of the fat hate and they think "yes, I'm sexy and I deserve love, but I still need to lose weight". If you "like big women, but" then how do you justify wanting your partner to be healthy but finding them attractive at a weight that you deem unhealthy? (I say "you deem" because we all know that weight isn't a measure of health, rather someone projecting their own biases, prejudices, and misinformation onto others). 


Folks, this is when my ability to stay calm and civil broke down. Because Vader was my friend I wanted to talk through this, get him to see just how hateful and awful he was being and try to nudge him into accepting that the reasons for body types are varied and complex and that, you know, maybe you actually can't hate someone for their own good. But I have to tell you, as much as I know people like this need education, sometimes I have to just look out for my own emotional and psychological well being. So after I typed another long, thoughtful, reply with net more references to more studies, I stopped, deleted the entire thing, and replaced it with, "You know what? Fuck you." and removed him as a friend. The best solution for someone who's simply ignorant and probably hasn't ever even been presented with an alternative argument? Absolutely not. But I have to deal with this stuff every single day in other areas of my life and I don't think it's too much to ask to be safe from my own friends. So viola, no more fat hating friends. Of course it's not quite that simple since we still run into each other occasionally, but I'm planning on politely treating him like an acquaintance. And Vader's girlfriend, my friend? I hope she took his fat hate as personally and as insultingly as it was. Self deprecating fatties aren't rare by any means, but it does break my heart every single time.