Thursday, April 18, 2013

Fat Sex, Slut Shaming, and Desexualization

I wanna talk about a few things. First is fat sex and how awesome it is. Or rather how not unawesome it is. Did that make sense? See, a lot of people assume that fat sex is difficult or unsatisfying, or maybe just not that awesome. I've had sex with thin men and fat men and with fat women. And hi.. I'm fat too.. in case you forgot. Which means that everyone I've slept with.. *gasp*.. had sex with a fat person... and liked it! At least that's what their O face seems to have implied. And most of them had sex with me multiple times even! I know I know, its' a lot to take in. I'll give you a moment.....okay, moment taken? Good. I've never had problem with any position, but if you do, there are blogs for that.  There's more to fat sex than just awesomeness though.

Ever been slut shamed as a fat sexual person? Or assumed to be promiscuous? There's the people who just assume that you're compensating for something with lots of sex (which is weird because these same people would swear that people don't wanna have sex with fatties. hum. ). Personally I've heard a lot of slut shaming going on from these crowds. Because you can't just be a sex positive empowered fat person. No! You have to be doing it because of your low self esteem. Usually this also means that you're reckless and unsafe and uninformed about sex with all those people who don't wanna sleep with you to begin with. (are you getting a headache from this?). Because the assumption, wrong or right, that you're promiscuous comes with the assumption that that's a bad thing to be. Look here. These people are idiots okay? You know and I know that not all fatties sleep with everyone they see. And you know and I know that even if they did that would be just fine because sex is good. Remember? Fat sex is awesome.

This doesn't mean that low self esteem sex or compensation sex doesn't happen. I'm sure it does. The problem comes when you start to generalize and assume. You know what they say about the word assume. Each fat person is an individual person with their own reasons for sex. We have this great thing called autonomy, meaning independence or freedom. Bodily autonomy means our bodies, our choice, none of your freaking business.

But what about the opposite? Desexualization of fat people? It goes a little bit back to all those people who aren't supposed to want to fuck us to begin with. Sometimes hypersexualization and desexualization happen at the same time (try getting your head around that one!). I've even been told, trigger warning here, that fat people don't get raped or sexually assaulted because no one would want a fatty. I'm dead serious. Imagine how fucked up it would be to be told that and think about how that ties into the desexualization of fat people. I'm suddenly reminded of that clip from The Lorax when the lorax is arguing with a fat woman and the main character chimes in with "you wouldn't hit a woman would you?" and the lorax responds in disbelief with, "that's a woman?!".

Yep, be prepared to be stripped of your entire identity as a fat person and especially as a fat woman. Not only are you not a sexual being, but you don't even register as anything other than a genderless blob. This is because fat people are so gross that people don't want to think of them as sexual beings. Much like old people or disabled people, or, god, you can think about the conservative's ick reaction to gay sex (you can think about the ageism, ableism, and homophobia that go along with those as well). People just think, ick! and so reduce you to a thing. It's the ultimate in dehumanization. To have your sexuality taken from you just because someone else can't stand the thought of it.

Whatever the issues surrounding it, it's clear that we have a lot of work to do regarding sex and fat sex specifically. We live in an incredibly sex negative culture where sex is not talked about except in hushed whispers and harsh accusations. When are we going to understand that sex is a natural and beautiful thing for those who are sexual beings regardless of weight, height, age, ability, skin color, sexual orientation, or anything else. We need to deeply explore our feelings about sex to uncover some hard truths about ourselves and our culture. We use sex as a weapon, as an insult, as a means of objectification, as a means of control, as a way to police people and bodies. It has to end. Sex is good. Fat sex is awesome.


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