Fat Anorexics

I weigh almost 300lbs and I have anorexia. Technically it's designated as atypical anorexia because I, obviously, don't meet the weight requirements for the more commonly known form of anorexia which requires a low body weight. I have fat anorexia, or, the type of anorexia that you have when you either don't lose weight or don't lose as much weight as it would take to gain an anorexia diagnosis.

I want to talk for a moment about resources for fat patients with eating disorders.


Well, that was short.

In other words, aside from a facebook group which I created for fat people with eating disorders (Body Love Through Struggle), there aren't really any resources specifically for fat people. So why not visit regular ED resource groups and be a part of the rest of the recovery community? Because ED resources are typically designed in a way that's incredibly fatphobic. Fat acceptance isn't a common or welcome philosophy and, let's face it, our fat bodies? They're the worst nightmare for most recovering eating disorder patients.

Eating disorders are entrenched in fatphobia. In fact, fat people, specifically young girls, are more at risk for eating disorders than their thin counterparts. That's because fatphobia drives eating disorders for most people. To get a little personal, my eating disorder started with stealing ephedra diet pills from my mom's purse because of her own internalized fatphobia. When my bipolar symptoms began, I gained weight. A lot of weight. About 100lbs in just three years. What that taught me was that fat was the worst thing a person can be. That you have zero worth as a fat person. I was popular as a thin girl and the punchline and punching bag as the fat girl. This is what drove me to restrictive eating which, soon after, turned into anorexia.

Everyday Feminism published THIS article on fatphobia in eating disorder communities. I saw it posted on facebook and made the mistake of reading the comments. What I saw was a lot of thin people getting really defensive about their own fatphobia. "You can't tell me how to recover!" was an overwhelming current in the thread. To this I replied, "fuck that".

Let's be honest, you don't get to recover on my back, on my life. Fat people are excluded from every eating disorder conversation, recovery program, and resource for ED patients. We're almost always excluded from ED recovery blogs or posts or tumblr memes. Even the picture that I found for my own facebook ED group for fat people doesn't have any body that looks like mine, is as fat or rolly as mine. Being able to get treatment and help and find resources for your eating disorder is a part of thin privilege because when I talked about my eating disorder I was congratulated! Thin privilege is having people recognize and be horrified at the way you're harming yourself instead of wondering what you did so they can do it too. Thin privilege is surviving an eating disorder because fat people end up dead before anyone says something was wrong and, even then, admitting that what fat people do in the name of thinness is fucked up is rarely recognized.

Let me tell you something, you aren't entitled to your recovery when it costs me my life. When you're stepping me and people like me to climb that mountain isn't recovery, it's oppression. You aren't entitled to the resources that we're not allowed to have. If you think you're allowed to hang on to your bigotry because it soothes you then fuck you.

I wanted to include a list of resources that were specifically fat friendly ED resources at the end of this post. Unfortunately, other than the facebook group mentioned at the beginning of this post, I couldn't find anything. If you have a resource, please post it in the comments!

Throwing Out the Underpants

Ragen Chastain is one of my heros. Let's get that out of the way first and foremost. She's amazing and awesome and I could not be more excited or honored that she even knows I exist. But, since we're all individuals we're going to disagree on some things. And one thing that's always always bothered me is the underpants rule. Well, not all of it. Let me explain. The Underpants Rule basically states that you are The Boss of your Own Underpants. This means that you don't get to tell me what to do and I don't get to tell you what to do. This is particularly used in, you guessed it, fat acceptance circles where Ragen is pretty much a celebrity.

Okay, great, I mostly agree with that rule! Except for when it comes to harmful behavior. And when I mean harmful I mean perpetuating social stigma and bigotry or something serious that may result in very real physical or psychological harm being done. For example, I'm not going to tell you how to dress, but I am certainly going to intervene if you, say, tell me that you're suicidal, or have an eating disorder, or something like that. I'll try my best to talk you out of it. You may be the boss of your own underpants, but that has a huge limit. Most people agree that self harm such as suicidal ideation is a point at which someone should intervene and stop saying "your choice, do what you want".

Well, I've been an activist for a long time, even before I found fat acceptance issues to advocate for, and I've always stood up to someone who is bigoted. In my opinion your underpants stop being your own when you're hurting other people. Which is why I wrote the post that I did about weight loss surgery for example. So while proponents of the underpants rule say "you can choose to lose weight if you want to because they're your underpants", that's past my threshold. I say, you're perpetuating fatphobia and thin privilege and therefore you need to be talked out of it/ stood up to. It's not just fatphobia I apply this rule to. I don't stand for any kind of bigotry, especially from my friends and people that I love.

So I'm sorry, but I"m going to advocate for throwing out the underpants, or burning them, or whatever you choose to do with those underpants that keep you from being the best advocate and activist that you can be. Because while sometimes it's prudent to keep your opinions to yourself, sometimes it's necessary to share them and to get people to change their way of thinking. When I was bragging to a friend about getting my calories under x amount and she introduced me to fat acceptance, it changed my life. If she'd just decided to let me lose weight (which wasn't working anyway) and not say anything, then I'd still be hating myself and perpetuating and defending fatphobia.

Some people empathize with people wanting to lose weight in a way, saying that thinness holds a good deal of privilege and therefore it's understandable that it's desirable and they're right, it does. But I wholeheartedly believe that privilege is a bad thing and wouldn't exist in a truly egalitarian world. We should reject privilege and do our best to educate people against the privileges that we do posses. So yeah, thinness will give you privilege (however temporary), but by specifically trying to attain privilege you're perpetuating bigotry. Privilege only exists because oppression does as well. Ending bigotry should be our number one priority. Sorry underpants.

I Am Not A Disease

photo by Travis McKeithan

You may have heard by now that the American Medical Association (AMA) has now officially classified "obesity" as a disease. You read that right- all fat people are now diseased and must be cured. But we already knew this didn't we? Doctors have been treating us like we were diseased for decades. The AMA hopes that classifying fatness as a disease will help end stigma, but we all know that's not true. It will only add to it. As a queer fat woman this reminds me an awful lot of the folk who want to cure me of my queerness. I've been asked, if I had a choice, would I be straight. The answer is, unequivocally, no. Because being queer is not a disease. My sexuality is not a disease to be cured. And neither is my body. In fact, there's a great hashtag going around twitter right now- #IAmNotADisease. So take to twitter everyone and hashtag away!

What's funny is that the AMA made this decision against the advice of it's own council of Science and Public Health which studied the issue for about a year. “Given the existing limitations of B.M.I. to diagnose obesity in clinical practice, it is unclear that recognizing obesity as a disease, as opposed to a ‘condition’ or ‘disorder,’ will result in improved health outcomes,” The council noted. And also, "The council said that obesity should not be considered a disease mainly because the measure usually used to define obesity, the body mass index, is simplistic and flawed. Some people with a BMI above the level that usually defines obesity are perfectly healthy while others below it can have dangerous levels of body fat and metabolic problems associated with obesity". 1

Not that the AMA has any legal weight, but this is a dangerous series of events. The Obesity Society issued a report in 2008 supporting classifying "obesity" as a disease and Medicare removed language from it's manual saying that "obesity" was not a disease in 2004. In addition the IRS has said that "obesity" treatments can qualify for tax deductions. 2 

And speaking of "obesity" treatments, this decision seems to come on the heel of two new diet drugs, Qsemia and Belviq, which are both ineffective and unsafe (not that that's stopped anyone from peddling any weight loss treatment before). The FDA recently relaxed restrictions on Qsemia even though it's suspected to cause birth defects. 

What is it about pathologizing a body that seems so appealing to so many people? After all, fatness doesn't necessarily go along with any disease and lots of thin people have diseases associated with fatness. So what's the point of turning my body into a disease exactly? Oh I know, stigma, And to sell shitty weight loss drugs. This move is utterly dehumanizing. You can't have a war on fat without a war on fat people. We are our bodies. Someone on TITP compared "obesity" to cancer and pointed out that a war on cancer isn't a war on cancer patients. *facepalm*. Could someone get anymore clueless? First of all, fat isn't something a person has, it's something a person is. More so, fat isn't, as much as the AMA would like to differ, a disease. It may be associated with certain diseases (note I didn't say that it caused certain diseases), but it isn't a disease in and of itself. A disease has specific symptoms, fat doesn't. A disease is a sickness, something bad and something to get rid of. My body isn't. 

Did you hear me? My body is not a disease to be gotten rid of. It's my body. It's what I live with every day. And sure it comes with differences compared to a thin body, but who said different was bad? Who's the high holy arbitrator of body policing? I think the answer is clear- the multi billion dollar diet industry. The ones who literally sell us the idea that we're not good enough until we buy their products. You know those two new diet drugs I mentioned above? $150 and $200 a month for a measly few pounds of weight loss that are eventually gained back. Plus all those pesky side effects like birth defects. 

So what exactly does this mean, practically, for us fat people? More doctors pushing more weight loss methods that cost us lots more money. That's it. Unfortunately I see the war on fat getting a lot worse before it gets better. There will be more casualties than ever before, but there's a silver lining. The fat acceptance and HAES movements are also gaining ground. A few years ago there were hardly any books, blogs, or articles that involved body acceptance of any kind. Now they are all over the place- a dime a dozen. We're on podcasts and radio shows, on TV and the blogosphere. We're not only all over fat acceptance spaces but body acceptance and feminist spaces as well. And every one of you who pushes back against fatphobia and fat oppression is helping the cause. 

My body is my own. #IAmNotADisease

Fat Sex, Slut Shaming, and Desexualization

I wanna talk about a few things. First is fat sex and how awesome it is. Or rather how not unawesome it is. Did that make sense? See, a lot of people assume that fat sex is difficult or unsatisfying, or maybe just not that awesome. I've had sex with thin men and fat men and with fat women. And hi.. I'm fat too.. in case you forgot. Which means that everyone I've slept with.. *gasp*.. had sex with a fat person... and liked it! At least that's what their O face seems to have implied. And most of them had sex with me multiple times even! I know I know, its' a lot to take in. I'll give you a moment.....okay, moment taken? Good. I've never had problem with any position, but if you do, there are blogs for that.  There's more to fat sex than just awesomeness though.

Ever been slut shamed as a fat sexual person? Or assumed to be promiscuous? There's the people who just assume that you're compensating for something with lots of sex (which is weird because these same people would swear that people don't wanna have sex with fatties. hum. ). Personally I've heard a lot of slut shaming going on from these crowds. Because you can't just be a sex positive empowered fat person. No! You have to be doing it because of your low self esteem. Usually this also means that you're reckless and unsafe and uninformed about sex with all those people who don't wanna sleep with you to begin with. (are you getting a headache from this?). Because the assumption, wrong or right, that you're promiscuous comes with the assumption that that's a bad thing to be. Look here. These people are idiots okay? You know and I know that not all fatties sleep with everyone they see. And you know and I know that even if they did that would be just fine because sex is good. Remember? Fat sex is awesome.

This doesn't mean that low self esteem sex or compensation sex doesn't happen. I'm sure it does. The problem comes when you start to generalize and assume. You know what they say about the word assume. Each fat person is an individual person with their own reasons for sex. We have this great thing called autonomy, meaning independence or freedom. Bodily autonomy means our bodies, our choice, none of your freaking business.

But what about the opposite? Desexualization of fat people? It goes a little bit back to all those people who aren't supposed to want to fuck us to begin with. Sometimes hypersexualization and desexualization happen at the same time (try getting your head around that one!). I've even been told, trigger warning here, that fat people don't get raped or sexually assaulted because no one would want a fatty. I'm dead serious. Imagine how fucked up it would be to be told that and think about how that ties into the desexualization of fat people. I'm suddenly reminded of that clip from The Lorax when the lorax is arguing with a fat woman and the main character chimes in with "you wouldn't hit a woman would you?" and the lorax responds in disbelief with, "that's a woman?!".

Yep, be prepared to be stripped of your entire identity as a fat person and especially as a fat woman. Not only are you not a sexual being, but you don't even register as anything other than a genderless blob. This is because fat people are so gross that people don't want to think of them as sexual beings. Much like old people or disabled people, or, god, you can think about the conservative's ick reaction to gay sex (you can think about the ageism, ableism, and homophobia that go along with those as well). People just think, ick! and so reduce you to a thing. It's the ultimate in dehumanization. To have your sexuality taken from you just because someone else can't stand the thought of it.

Whatever the issues surrounding it, it's clear that we have a lot of work to do regarding sex and fat sex specifically. We live in an incredibly sex negative culture where sex is not talked about except in hushed whispers and harsh accusations. When are we going to understand that sex is a natural and beautiful thing for those who are sexual beings regardless of weight, height, age, ability, skin color, sexual orientation, or anything else. We need to deeply explore our feelings about sex to uncover some hard truths about ourselves and our culture. We use sex as a weapon, as an insult, as a means of objectification, as a means of control, as a way to police people and bodies. It has to end. Sex is good. Fat sex is awesome.

International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day to everyone. Today I want everyone to take an extra moment to appreciate their bodies, especially women. Women are the primary victims of constant body stigma and policing. We're told what to wear, what to do with our bodies, how much to weigh and what to eat (or don't eat). It's cute to see a woman eat "like a man" as long as she stays skinny. We're told to constantly make ourselves prettier, skinnier, smarter (but not too smart now!), to be perfect homemakers while also bringing home an income. Every part of our lives is policed from getting dressed in the morning to how to have sex with your lover (thanks Cosmo!).

Women are objectified and over sexualized. Our bodies are always wrong no matter what they look like. All women are under immense pressure to conform to sexist and outdated expectations while also being a modern woman. It's impossible to achieve. Fat women have an extra dose of discrimination and oppression heaped on them. From making less money compared to thin people and men, being passed over for jobs, having medical problems ignored, and extra body policing (should you really be eating that?). Fat women are both overly sexualized and fetishized by some groups while being desexed entirely by others.

In a man's world and a thin person's world (and let's not forget a straight, white, cis, wealthy, able bodied person's world) it's difficult to stand up for oneself. It's difficult to stand up and say "I am here. I take up space and that's okay". Doing so it's an act of rebellion. It's a giant middle finger to the patriarchy. To the society that would pathologicalize your body, to dehumanize your body. To stand up and say "I am a beautiful, sexual being, with my own autonomy and responsibility for myself" is a full scale attack on a culture of hate. To exist, is to take part in taking down a system of oppression. Your voice is important, it's necessary, it's essential! And that voice is the voice of body acceptance and love.  It's a difficult voice to raise over the roar of advertisements for perfection and obedience, but together we can do it.

So on this important day look around you, see the women around you, in your life, and appreciate them and their uniqueness. They deserve it. We deserve it. You deserve it.

Fattie Stigma

As you  may have already heard from your favorite fat bloggers, today kicks off the Weight Stigma Blog Carnival in order to raise awareness for National Weight Stigma Awareness Week which takes place September 26th-30th, created by the Binge Eating Disorder Association. The Blog Carnival is being done by Voices In Recovery Anyone can participate in the Blog Carnival so jump in and join me if you have a blog! So this is blog 1 of 3 from now until September for this particular event.

Today's topic: What does weight stigma mean to you?

Let's see if I can properly gather my thoughts on this. Apologies in advance for any rambly-ness as this wasn't a planned post.

To me, weight stigma is a form of systematic oppression. There are a lot of components that include fatphobia, sexism,ableism, and homophobia. Fist I'll point out that the majority of body shaming and weight stigma is perpetrated against women. Reducing women to their bodies, to how sexually appealing they are, is simply another means of controlling them. In our society a woman's body is pretty much free for public commentary.  Our bodies are constantly a source of debate. Weight stigma is used to judge our sexual worth, our value as "real" women, our to ability birth children, and even our fitness as parents. Women have a narrow range of body shape or size which is socially acceptable and there are very few places where we don't see weight centered issues specifically targeted at women. I'm sure you've noticed that the vast majority of diet ads, for example, target women.

That's not to say that men aren't also effected by weight stigma. When male bodies break gender norms by being either too big or too small, then you suddenly get a heavy dose of homophobia thrown in when these men aren't seen as "real" men.

So what does weight stigma mean to me? It means discrimination and oppression and control and ruining a lot of peoples' lives. It's control on so many levels because it encompasses so many topics and groups of people. The diet industry brings in (come on, we've heard it enough- we can all say it together!) 60 billions dollars a year. If that doesn't shout control I don't know what does. People are so desperate to conform to the right body type, and the right size that they'll do almost anything, listen to almost anything, believe almost anything just to reach that goal. The best way to control someone is to break them and weight stigma has done a great job of that.Weight stigma is violence against women (among other groups, but primarily women) and is part of a larger culture of misogyny.

Of course, that's not all that weight stigma is, but it's an important part and my brain just sort of took it and ran with it. So what does weight stigma mean to you?