Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Don't They Know How Unhealthy It Is?

That's right, I'm talking about tall people! According to a recent study, tall women (women over 5'9") were almost 40% more likely to develop ten different cancers! And your risk of cancer increases by 16% with every four centimeters of height! It's time to talk about this tallness epidemic and it's consequences. According to the National Cancer Institute, cancer care accounted for an estimated $104.1 billion in medical care expenditures in the United States in 2006. So why are we getting taller? Height has been increasing consistently in industrialized nations for the past 150 years and scientific resources all agree that nutrition plays a big part in that. In other words, people are eating themselves to a cancerous death! Tallness is a huge burden on the health care system and people who are overly tall are just plain immoral for putting their friends and family through the emotional turmoil of their possible early deaths.

While it's true that there's a genetic component to height, nutrition is an important factor. It's clear that we have to do something about this. Children and adolescents specifically who are at an increased risk for tallness should be put on nutrient deficient diets in order to try and hinder dangerous vertical growth. (Won't somebody please think of the children?!) Some people may claim that they can't help their height or even that their are illnesses that cause tallness such as pituitary problems but it's just a cover up for their gluttony. They're simply in denial that they have control over their height.

I'm anticipating the creation of a whole new industry to help these people who don't seem to have the willpower to help themselves (and really, tall people are just gross to look at). From pills that help you get shorter to diets that help you from getting tall to begin with. The diet industry makes 60 billion a year- think of all those jobs! It's simply unAmerican not to create an industry around making tall people shorter or keeping short people short... for their own good of course. I'm really super concerned about their health and the well being of their families. Do you know how expensive cancer treatment is? Tallness is simply irresponsible, despite what people in the "height acceptance" movement claim. Heightism is completely BS- there's nothing wrong with discriminating based on height- they're doing it to themselves anyway!

Stay tuned for my next post on lefthandedness! Studies show that being left handed can take up to a decade off of your life! Those disgusting lefties!


  1. ...please tell me this is a joke blog. I'm 6'2" and haven't even been to the doctor's office in ten years, let alone a hospital.

  2. Khyber- the study is real but yes, the post is satire. It's a comment on the "obesity epidemic"