Fat Girls and Rape Culture

"fat girls can't say no. (and when they do, it still means yes)"

**trigger warning for rape culture**

This is a topic I dread talking about. It's majorly triggering for me and for so many other women (and men) but it's something that needs to be addressed. Rape culture is prevalent, insidious, and normalized in our culture. It's everywhere and every time someone tries to counter it they get huge backlashes from the MRA movement as well as every day misogynists. Fat women face an extra special facet of rape culture though- the fact that they should be grateful for it. You read that right- grateful for being raped. The logic goes that, of course, no one would want to touch a fat woman. We're so gross, you know? So if someone was actually willing to have sex with us we should be on our knees with gratitude thanking that person for sharing their special snowflake of a dick with us. Some people even deny that it's possible for fat women to be raped because, ew, who would want to have sex with a fattie?

And then you find things like the T shirt pictured above (found on cafe press but it has since been taken down after several complaints- thanks Rolls Not Trolls!) which reads "Fat Girls Can't Say No. (and when they do, it still means yes)" I mean wow, if that's not rape culture rolled into a can of what-the-fuck then I don't know what is. It plays on the idea that fat girls lack the will power to say no to anything (including food and sex) and then, if it weren't bad enough, tells you that if they do actually say no, it's okay to rape them. I've also seen shirts and slogans like "fat girls give better head because they're hungry". No dude, if I were hungry I'd bite your dick off, but trust me, it's not as tasty as you like to think so I'll stick to actual food.

I've heard stories from actual rape victims who were told by people things like "who would want to rape you?" (that particular story was one in which the officer said this). Or, "I bet you were grateful to finally get some, huh?" Let's be clear, while the reasons for rape are complicated and include a whole lot of things, dehumanization and objectification of women is at least one pretty large factor. And who doesn't love to dehumanize and objectify fat women? Fat woman are simultaneously desexualized and oversexualized in our culture. Myths of fat women being always ready for sex, promiscuous, and never turning down sex abound. And then you get instances like a scene in the popular film The Lorax in which he questions the gender identity of a fat woman for no apparent reason. Rape culture is where this desexualization and oversexualization intersect. No one could possibly want to have sex with you which is why you're such a slut and sleep around and why you would be lucky if you get raped.

Unfortunately the solution to this isn't quick or easy. It has to do with destigmatizing not only fat people, but women in general. Violence against women is a huge problem not only in our society but across the globe. Women are seen as objects and sex toys to be done with as men please and this extends to fat women. So if we solve the problem as fat people, we still face the problem as women. We seriously need men to stand up against this kind of thing. When you make a rape joke, when you use rape as a euphemism (that store totally raped your wallet, man!), or when someone else does and you stay silent, then you're contributing to rape culture. Feminism is still so relevant and so needed that it boggles my  mind that anyone would say it's not (hello MRA's). Again, the solution to rape culture and yes, to fat rape issues, is difficult, but everyone needs to be made aware that it's a very real thing that needs to be addressed. So I'm addressing it and hoping that you'll pass this along. Everyone, no matter who you are, please, let's help end this problem.

Off Topic Post: a culture of misogyny and violence against women

This isn't completely off topic since it's a response to the vast support I've gotten when Fit for Fertility on facebook illegally used a photo of me exercising for selling crappy weight loss products on her page, implying that I was a beginner at exercise and that I was some kind of inspirational "before" picture. After everything happened she came onto my page to accuse me of bullying when every comment I saw on her page was a polite asking for the photo to be removed, sometimes with links to my blog or my page, calls for her issuing a public apology to me, etc. Everything was positive and encouraging and time and time again she removed the comment and then blocked people simply for daring to speak up on my behalf.

However, all of this positivity has turned dark. After I, Vanilla Rose and Ragen Chastain all wrote about my plight (and I am forever grateful for them doing so as well as flattered and overwhelmed with emotion from the support I've received), at some point, Jamie, the woman in charge of the page who originally stole my photo, reported to me that she's been receiving threats of violence and rape. Now, I'm just going by what she said and have no way to verify this information because she's blocked me from replying to her directly, but I want to talk a little bit about what it's like to be a woman on the wrong end of a public attack.

You're all aware of the tumblr blog, This is Thin privilege, right? In which posts start out "thin privilege is" followed by some bit of fatphobia. Well, Male Privilege Is..... male privilege is being able to be on the bad end of a public attack without having to literally fear for your life or your well being. Jamie actually messaged me to let me know that her home was armed because she was literally that afraid. When a woman receives a threat of violence or a rape threat, she has to take it very seriously since, after all, 1 in 3 women is the victim of a sexual attack- and those are just attacks that are reported (about half). Imagine how high that number would be if we included all of the attacks that go unreported because of fear, embarrassment, or simply no knowing how to handle the situation. The point is that rape is a reality for women as a gender. For women as half the fucking population. Threats of sexual assault are rooted squarely in misogyny and this domination that men have over women.

I know how bad situations like this can get because I've received my own number of threats from trolls on the internet simply for daring to be fat and okay with it and to tell others it's okay too. I've had to be afraid for myself and my family. All of these threats come from men. Don't get me wrong. Men insult and threaten other men all of the time. But, when a man threatens a woman it comes from a different place. From a place of domination and power over women as a whole. This is not okay in any way and I expect it from random trolls and terrible people on the internet, but NOT from other fat activists, NOT from supposedly enlightened individuals who are standing up for the underdog, NOT from my fans, Vanilla's fan's, or Ragen's fans. There's something deeply wrong with a culture that almost fetishizies violence against women and normalizes this kind of behavior.

I'm not a great feminist writer even though I'm a feminist to my core and believe misogyny is responsible for a great deal of fatphobia and sizism (and other problems) in our culture. So excuse me if this post is rambling or doesn't make a lot of sense. I just needed to express my concern and anger for the horrible people who are leaving these kinds of threats in Jamie's folder. This is absolutely wrong on every level and I'm so disappointed that an originally inspiring and supportive movement to get this photo taken down has turned into something so ugly and dark.