Monday, May 16, 2011

Formspring question of the week

Yikes- I'm behind.. I started this post on Friday.. it was Formspring Friday- The day that I invite everyone to ask me anything and I always answer. Usually it's fun, sometimes hilarious, and sometimes thought provoking. I got a question today that I really wanted to talk about further. The question came in anonymously and was

do you feel that posing nude and using a banana as a phallic symbol is something your young son will someday be proud of?


They are referring to a photo which I used in my last post "Vegans.. we need to talk" where I talked about sizism and fatphobia in the vegetarian and vegan community. This was the photo:

by Dan Owens

This photo was one from a set of photos that I got after posing for a boudoir workshop for a photography class. Let's, first, touch on the fact that the person who asked the question lumped nude posing in with the obviously sexual themed boudoir photos- the impression is that they seem to think nudity=sexual. A lot of people think this actually and many of them even boil it down to "if it's a woman". Not that the poster specified sexist biases, but they both amount to both disrespect to the human body and to sexuality itself. Above- that's sexual. Now here's an example of the nude photography I've posed for:

"Basic Kindness" by Allen Studios
The fact that anyone can think of nude art like this as no different from pornography is mind blowing. (What's wrong with pornography? Nothing, for the most part, but there's certainly a difference, especially when you're bringing children into it). Maybe I'm just a nudist at heart, or I've befriended too many of them.. but I don't think the human form is inherently sexual. Sure it's capable of sex.. even built for it.. and damn it sure it fun.. but to pretend that that's all there is to a body? That it isn't beautiful in it's own right? Away from the sex and the lust and the hormones? The human body is just beautiful, inspiring and each one is so different from the next and nude art can sometimes say something that a clothed model just can't. This photo above, for instance, wouldn't make nearly the same impact (a statement about body hate and the need for basic kindness) if I were clothed. If someone looks at that and finds it sexual-  that's on them, not on me. I am not the arbiter of their lust. Mostly, it seems that these people have very little appreciation for the human body which is just plain sad because every body is amazing.

For any Parks and Recreation fans out there, the last episode was actually extremely relevant. Leslie Nopes, an employee for the Department of Parks and Recreation attended an art show featuring local artists.. one of whom was her coworker and had painted her as a centaur- a goddess, with naked breasts. It was bought and hung in the government building where she works, sparking outrage from some of the local prudes (really just one). She was interviewed on the local news about the difference between art and pornography- with a surprise guest porn star. The newsman asked the porn actress "To you, what defines pornography?" which she answered "Well, for me, it's the part where the penis goes in".

On to the second issue- that being sexy or sexual is a bad thing. Part of the point of doing the boudoir photos to begin with was to show that fat people, especially fat women, are sexual beings as much as anyone else. Fat people are dehumanized and desexualized. Not only are fat people not supposed to be sexy, we're not even supposed to be having sex. Ask most of society what they think about fat sex and they disgust will show up in there somewhere. For some people, even the sight of fatties kissing is disgusting and offensive.

By Chris Goette
However, the subject of desexualization goes further.. in this case, to all parents.. and that's a hell of a lot of people. You hear that parents? You must be asexual and devoid of lust or sexiness, else your kids or future kids find it icky. That's right.. even you future parents out there must avoid sexy photos at all costs! Oh, but my photos are out there. Out on the internet where just anyone can see them! Because I'm fairly positive my son is going to go browsing through my decade or more old photos. Kids have nothing better to do, right? And if he did it wouldn't be horribly traumatizing.. because I will never  (Are you hearing me on this?), never teach my son to be ashamed of sex, sexuality, nudity, the human body, or expression. The fact that it comes in the form of activism should only add to the ridiculousness of such a notion that my son would be ashamed.

What it comes down to is sex shaming. Sex is bad, sex is immoral and sex should be kept out of public and away from all of the "decent" people- you know, for the children. How dare people like me not be properly ashamed of our public sexiness or sexuality. I don't think my child will be traumatized, even if he does come across that photo-. If you're not aware that your parents do and have done far worse (yes, even when they're older) then you have a few things to learn. Probably more than a few if I'm being honest.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Vegans.. I need to talk to you..

I don't talk about being vegan on here.. there's nothing to talk about really in the context of body acceptance or fat pride, but the rest of you guys and gals.. well, you're giving me something to talk about and it's not good. I want to talk about the fatphobia and sizism that goes on in a lot of vegan communities. Now, I realize that this post is going to piss off a lot of people for various reasons, but this is serious and it needs to be mentioned. I want to go on record as saying that I know that not every vegan or vegetarian is sizist, but I've noticed a very obvious pattern in groups and forums over and over. I even wrote a blog about it quite a while ago. In that blog, I talked about how Dr. McDougall, a doctor who pushes a vegan diet as a way to reverse heart disease, said, "Fat vegans, however, have failed one important animal: themselves. Furthermore, their audiences of meat-eaters and animal-abusers may be so distracted by their appearance that they cannot hear the vital issues of animal rights and the environment; resulting in an unacknowledged setback for a fat vegan’s hard work for change." which basically means- sorry, but if you're fat nothing you say really matters. 

So, now that we've established that I'm not talking about all vegans, I think it's fairly clear that vegans (and many vegetarians) hate fat people. Now.. I get it. I do. Vegans tend to get lots of hate, even if they're keeping quietly to themselves. Their very existence tends to offend people so they feel like they have to have the very best image possible. People assume that vegans are malnourished, nutrient deficient, sick, and basically every sneeze, sniffle, or bad day is blamed on their lack of animal products. Because fat comes with the stigma of unhealthy and vegans want to present the epitome of health then fat vegans are bad for business. So I want to say that I understand the psychology behind all of the fat hate. But that being said I have to also say that it's fucking unacceptable.

So here's your strategy, right? Animal products are full of fat and calories and, therefore, if you stop eating them you'll lose weight.. so, market veganism as a diet or "lifestyle change" will bring more people to the movement by preying on their low self esteem and body hatred. While the strategy may work initially what do you intend to do when all the newbie veg's don't lose weight? Or when they lose it but then gain it back? As a diet, it fails, just like any other, and you've lost your pull. More so, you've become part of an industry which is cruel to animals.. specifically the human animal. Yeah.. maybe only beautiful, thin, tanned girls and buff, handsome, wavy haired guys will make you look good on the surface, but do you really want to be that shallow? More so, do you want to alienate over half of the population?

I asked some vegans over at reddit to give me their opinions on fat people. Over and over I was told that vegans are thinner than omnivores, but when asked for evidence I was given studies which, again, only showed a very slight difference in BMI (which we all know is what? That's right.. inaccurate and horribly flawed to begin with), which amount to 30 lbs or so. In addition, 25 vegans were turned down for weight that wasn't near enough to the ideal, likely skewing the results. Otherwise the results were pretty typical. The same fat hate and social beliefs were present in the vegan community as any other- fat people were lazy, gluttonous, unhealthy. They're fat because they over eat and under exercise. I tried not to correct anyone because I just wanted to see the honest answers. And honestly what I saw was that people believed veganism makes people thin "if they're doing it right" and, if they're still fat then they're gorging on fries and cakes all day. Fat vegans are the "bad" vegans and there were definitely some people who said fat people should be hushed to the back of the line so that veganism can appear as awesome as possible (because we all know that doesn't include fat). More so, the same people who said they were against bullying of fat people also tended to say that they should hate themselves and their bodies. The same people who said that bullying and shaming hurt more people than it helped qualified it with "but it does help some people".

One girl, a vegetarian, said that she wanted to go vegan, but isn't because she's afraid of facing judgement (user solutions were for her to go vegan and not tell anyone- like that 'friend' you always hang out with in secret but pick on in front of your other buddies). Another said that she's vegan but doesn't tell anyone because she's afraid of the same. She said that she even stopped protesting or talking to others about it because she felt that she didn't represent veganism very well because she was fat. A non veg friend said that vegans were both ableist and sizist. A vegan from twitter said that the fat hate in vegan circles kept her from attending vegan events. 

It's no wonder so many fatties are afraid to go near veganism or vegetarianism with ads like this from PETA: 



"Obesity is a sign of a societal problem. We didn't used to be fat. Our children did not use to waddle. And we need to stop being so sensitive about pointing out that people are overweight."
- Ingrid Newkirk to the Washington Times.

But we know that PETA is sexist and sizist- after all, their spokeswoman, Ingrid Newkirk, has said that she believes that it's impossible to get fat on a vegan diet and that people are only fat because of animal products, but what about your average vegan? I follow a lot of vegans- in my blog reader, on facebook, on twitter.. and I'll tell you that it's pretty common for me to de-friend someone for photos like these: 

 
Meat eaters are more often unhealthy, unfit, fat, and morbidly overweight. You'd never praise an anorexic. Obesity is worse: diabetes, heart attacks & death. Chicken meat contains arsenic: put "arsenic chicken" in google & go look! Chicken meat contains phytic acid which can hurt men & the genitals of your child.
"Live fat Die young" vegetarian T shirt



Keep in mind that these are all photos that have been posted by actual vegan advocates in the name of veganism.. one facebook vegan advocate had an entire album of nothing but these types of photos with sizist, fatphobic, captions. Vegans that I spoke with seemed caught in limbo between fact and prejudices and their own experiences. Many claimed that you didn't have to be thin to be healthy while turning around and insisting that fat was unhealthy. I can't say that I saw anyone really respond in a body positive way. 

I spoke to one vegan fat activist, Kreeli, or, ZaftiVegan, whom i follow on twitter. She said, "I'm fat, and i've been vegan (really) since 1998. i got sick of being told i "wasn't doing it right" or i was lying about my veganism within the first year. enough is enough. there is room in the veg' movement for ALL animals - why not ALL people?" in one reply talking about sizism in the vegan community. Kreeli went vegan in '98 back before the explosion of online forums and vegan meetups.. in response to an email I sent her about fatphobia in the vegan community she said, "I didn't even know there *was* a vegan "community", at least not as it exists today. There were a few websites and a couple of message boards that I joined........I did find on those sites that fatphobia was rampant." 

Not a lot of fat people come to veganism already loving their bodies (as Kreeli pointed out to me, neither did she- she had the same problems many fat people face in terms of body image and disordered eating/eating disorders) and many vegan communities like it that way. A lot of, though, of course not all, vegans and vegetarians use "the obesity epidemic" and people's fears about weight and health. They prey on people's weakness and insist that going vegan will make you thinner and healthier and happier and the world will be made of rainbows and and unicorns! In other words, they're about like every other part of the diet industry- seeking to gain something from your misery. And I hate that.. because I'm vegan and I love veganism and it does make me happy and when I think of the animals my little heart just swells with love and hope and I do think it's a great thing, but what they're doing isn't. 

Kreeli told me, "I feel that there is a percentage of the vegan community that actively engages in fat- and health- shaming... I have been told I must be "cheating" at my veganism because no "real" vegan could be as fat as I am. I have been made to feel liek I am an object of curiosity and revulsion at local vegan events and restaurants because of my size. I have been offered tons of unsolicited advice from other vegans about how I shouldn't eat this or that vegan items because they are what are making me fat- everything from tofu, to sugar, to potatoes, to fruit." 

Seems awfully familiar- oh yes.. it's the "bad vegan" theory from earlier. You remember.. the one that says if you were a "good" vegan who ate all of the "good" foods then you'd be super thin and happy by now. Still.. there's some hope. People like Kreeli and myself who do what we can to spread the word of fat acceptance and body acceptance in the vegan circles that we do come into contact with. "I...have the immense pleasure of knowing several fat-positive vegans who make the connection between oppressions and understand you can't liberate animals by grinding fat folks (or people of colour or women, or disabled people) into the dirt." 

It's obvious that the message is that veganism is only for thin and healthy people. Thin unhealthy people and fat people are unwelcome. So if 64% of the US is supposedly "overweight" or "obese" then you're alienating the majority of people and, very likely, keeping them far far away from veganism or vegetarianism. More so, the hypocrisy is obvious and ridiculous in a community that's supposed to be about compassion and understanding.  You need to get it together.. fat vegans aren't the ones hurting the movement, fat haters are. You have an obligation to all animals- even the human ones. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Summer Days

Okay- so it's not summer yet, but I was feeling the summer groove for sure. Maybe because this is the first year in 13 years that I'm wearing shorts. Cold front? HA! That's not going to stop me! The next town over, Durham, also had it's annual strawberry festival.. and you can't have strawberries without feeling the need for summer. You can thank my husband for this set of photos.







Sunday, April 24, 2011

It Doesn't Matter What You Eat- Food Is Why You're Fat

It's funny how memories can just pop up over the littlest things. I got up this morning and poured myself a bowl of cereal and it reminded me of some old diet advice I was given.. I suppose when you spend so many years dieting it's natural to have a hell of a lot of memories. In this case the sentence that popped into my head was, "Well, there's your problem- the Cheerios!". Yes, I'm serious- the secret to why I was fat according to this fitness guru (I believe this conversation took place when someone crossposted a question on reddit.com to the fitness subreddit without my permission) the entire reason why I didn't lose weight, even though I was starving myself, was because I ate Cheerios. I started thinking of all of the absolutely bogus excuses that people came up with for my fatness.

"Maybe you eat too many bananas" (when I was briefly a raw foodist and consulting a dietitian about weight).

"It's because you're vegan! Vegans are carboholics" (assuming I ate lots of pasta without even asking).

My favorite: "You must be lying about what you eat".

Upon finding out that I exercised every day: "That's not going to do you any good, your body gets used to it, duh" (in an obvious attempt to indicate that I was simply too stupid to exercise properly.. so exercise.. but not every day.. or something like that.  #butiwasexercising*).

"You eat too much fruit" (from a different person than the dietitian- they insisted that fruit was no different from shoving cupcakes in your mouth).

"You don't eat enough. You need to keep your metabolism up" (or the alternate "You eat too much- doesn't matter how little or much you actually eat).

"You should skip breakfast" (or the alternate "it's because you skip breakfast").

I'm sure there are more that I'm not thinking of right now.. but the anti-fruit people are the ones that make me laugh the hardest.. or maybe just the ones who make me afraid for humanity the most. I don't mean that literally of course.. just an exasperated exclamation about the ignorance of the general public on issues of both fat and health. When you begin villianizing fruit in attempt to further fatphobia, then the extremism of fat hate has gotten to a point of being simply astonishing. Add your own bizzare diet advice or "you're fat because" comments. Then we can all have a good laugh together at how ridiculous they are and a good cry over the fact that we, sadly, used to believe them (what were we thinking?!).

*anyone else notice that the last bit looks like "sexercising"? Now that sounds like a good workout! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Riiiiip!

So you know those truly mortifying fattie stories that we all manage to have and seem throughly embarrassed about for no good reason? Well... the embarrassment would have been pretty substantial before I l earned fat acceptance. Now.. I just think it's funny.

Moving: is there any bigger pain in the neck? (obviously there is but not for the purpose of this story). I just moved to Chapel Hill- about an hour away from my old neck of the woods. The packing and heavy lifting up two flights of stairs, down a bridge and through the parking lot was bad enough, but you have to, you know, clean and junk, when you're finished. I know! They make you do it because they'e inhuman. I had already spent one entire day, by myself, cleaning the old apartment but now Ironfroggy and I were heading back to clean the carpets and repaint. I made sure to put on my oldest, rattiest, ugliest jeans to paint in (I did have a pair of paint jeans but they no longer fit comfortably as they're size 20's). We stopped by the store to pick up some other cleaning supplies.. I was resigning myself to another full day of horrendousness while getting back into the car when I don't so much hear it as I feel it.. RIIIIIIIIIIP! I stopped, a look of severe annoyance on my face and turn to Ironfroggy and say, "Umm.. dear.. my pants just ripped". Of course, he insisted on seeing so I got up to show him and sat back down- feeling the rip lengthen. After a couple of inappropriate jokes about placement of holes in my pants my poor hubby was forced to go into a clothing store and find me something to wear.

This would be bad enough for any significant other who had no idea about clothing sizes (he doesn't even know what size he wears), but to have to shop, on the fly, for a fat significant other? That's no easy task. I couldn't even guarantee there would be sweat pants in my size. We ended up going to walmart (not going to start a walmart debate here but it was the closest store that I thought would have my size) only to find that they don't really carry clothes for fat people anymore. Beyond my own predicament this is a problem for lower income fat people who can't afford Torrid or Lane Bryant or other "plus size" shops (I hate that term). And then you get websites like peopleofwalmart.com (don't go there unless you want to be furious) that thrive on making fun of poor fat people- especially their clothing.. which apparently they can't even buy at walmart anymore (not that they were ever fashionable but at least it was something). Anyway, my husband could, of course, not find anything in a size 22. Thank goodness for very stretchy clothing from George.. I was able to comfortably wear a size 16/18 skirt (yes that's right.. my only option was a size 16 stretchy lycra skirt.. to paint in).

So beyond the irritation and ridiculousness of discrimination in the clothing world this was an interesting experience for me for one main reason. Before fat acceptance I would have been mortified, blamed how fat I am on the tearing of those jeans, and then I would have thought about it and tormented myself over it for days or weeks sending myself spiraling into a deep, dark, fat, depression. But you know what? I really just thought it was funny (and maybe a little irritating that I had to spend more money- moving is already expensive- and that I had to get a skirt which sucks to clean in). I didn't feel embarrassed and I didn't even blame it on my weight. I guess you could argue that the jeans ripped because my ass was so big and causing the fabric to strain.. but then we'd have to pretend like I was the only person who strained fabric across their ass... that thin people don't also wear skin tight jeans (these weren't even that tight actually - just old) or that their asses don't also press against the material when they sit down. We'd even have to pretend that thinner people never rip their clothing which just plain isn't true. My pants ripped because they were old and poor quality to begin with.. that and no other reason. And honestly? I'm tickled pink about it.. it's like this really stupid, funny joke. I even called my mom to laugh about it after it happened!

So.. it feels kind of weird to be writing about how ripping my pants is actually not a big deal.. because it means I'm making a big deal out of a not big deal, and yet it's kind of necessary to let people know that stuff like this isn't the end of the world. Hell, it's not even the end of the day.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Intuitive Eating And Finding Balance With Your Body

Photo by Danbwr Photos
When I first got into the whole fat pride movement (I like fat pride better than fat acceptance- thanks Marilyn Wann!), one thing I came across was intuitive eating. Which means, basically, eating what you want, when you want. Sounds awful, right? The idea is that your body is able to naturally regulate itself and to signal to you (through cravings and such) what kinds of foods it needs to work optimally. It also includes the idea that there's no such thing as a good food or a bad food- food carries no morality. This doesn't mean that you can't cut out foods based on ethics, or even health- your body will start craving new foods that have the same nutrient values as whatever you cut out. I'm still not sure how this works for everyone (especially people who eat a small variety of foods that may not have the complete nutrition they need to begin with?), but I want to say that it has worked fantabulously for me.

I was wary at first.. I knew my eating habits- I'd eat until I was way too full, hoard certain foods, was never satiated even when full and could never manage to leave food on my plate. I thought this was just how I naturally ate and, therefore, I had to engage in food deprivation and control in order to stay healthy. Turns out that my body was driving me to eat like that because it felt deprived to begin with. The first several weeks after I stopped counting calories and depriving my body based on what I deemed good or bad (well, what society deems good or bad), I continued eating just as I had before- It was a no holds barred all out pig out. My body wasn't used to having that much available food or freedom and it was still in deprivation mode (evolutionarily when the body is deprived it seeks to get as much food as possible with the highest energy possible- calories- in order to survive the coming famine it believes there will be).

But then I noticed something else starting to happen. I would stop eating when I felt full with no desire to continue eating. I started actually noticing that I didn't feel like eating if I wasn't hungry. I don't feel the need to hoard food, or eat too much, or in any way prepare for deprivation. It seems like my body is finding it's balance and beginning to reverse the negative effects of  almost two decades of disordered eating.

Now, I'm not going to say that my body is fully recovered.. I think, given a few more weeks I think it may even recover fully or almost so. I do think that the progress it's made is amazing. I realize that all those years of doing what I thought was my only choice, I was actually abusing to my body. If you've spent a lifetime eating disordered then it's hard to imagine- it's certainly hard for me to describe- the difference in eating naturally and healthfully. To feel satisfied instead of overly full because I can stop eating when I want instead of feeling an almost panicky need to finish everything on my plate- or to get another helping which I then had to struggle to resist so that I could stick to my heinous 1200 calories a day.

At one point I obsessed and worried myself down to 300-700 calories a day! Did I start to lose weight at that point? I certainly did. And what worries me is all of the people who suddenly went "aha! see? you can lose weight by lowering your calories enough!". These people didn't care that I was starving- that I was eating less than what the average person with anorexia eats . No no.. because if you're fat, you have an obligation to have an eating disorder. Screw that and screw them- I'd rather love my body and keep it healthy than be thin just for their sake. The more regular my eating, the happier I am and the more I realize just how amazing my body is... and the more sorry I am that I ever abused it.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Jack The Ripper Is A Vampire

So I went to an open costume shoot at Castle McColloch with the Triad Strobist group. I had two costumes- the black ball gown you're about to see and an awesome pirate costume. I got plenty of compliments on my pirate costume but not many photographers wanting to shoot me in it. It's pretty common- the fat models don't tend to get a lot of attention. Of course, there are lots of photos I won't get back simply because they didn't turn out or the photographer didn't post them (there were 130 people there and no way to contact anyone individually!), but the hot girls in the chain mail armor? Yeah, they're getting more photos than me. So if you're upset that there aren't more in this set (total of 3 photographers although most photos from just one photographer) then blame society and it's preference for the thin- because I promise, I wasn't at fault- I looked awesome! :P And maybe I'll get the chance to wear my pirate costume some other time. If I magically get a rush of photos for some reason I promise I'll do a second post. Without further ado.. as someone on flickr said: "I don't like the look of your date". For good reason. I was walking along, minding my own business... down some stairs and then..!

SnapShot Photography


Brutcher Photography


By Anthony Piraino
Brutcher Photography
Brutcher Photography
Brutcher Photography
Brutcher Photography
Brutcher Photography




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