In Graphite

This drawing is by Omari, an artist from Brooklyn, NY. I have to say, I really love being drawn. For this I simply had my husband take a photo of me in the pose that the artist asked for and then emailed the photo to him. He has all different sizes of models in his portfolio, but the best thing about them is how real the bodies are. They aren't just super thin or fat or a certain shape of body. I think most women will see themselves in at least one of the drawings done.

El Dia De Los Muertos- Happy Halloween!

Many cultures around the world celebrate a form of Halloween. Death has always been a pretty big deal throughout history and why shouldn't it? It's not only common but often times comes before you think it should and is always inevitable. I first learned about el dios de los muertos (the day of the dead) when I took Spanish back in high school. The first spanish word I learned was estrella (star) from my friend, Jean, whose mother was Mexican. I remember we all had to make a spanish dish for el dia de los muertos and I made pan de muerto (bread of the dead) which was a sweet bread that I had shaped like bones. I've never learned to make a sugar skull but it's on my to do list.

El dia de los muertos was practiced in Mexico for thousands of years before the Spanish Inquisitors came along. The Catholic church absorbed the holiday (as they had done with the Pagan Samhain) in order to gain more converts so now el dia de los muertos coincides with All Saints Day and All Souls Day (Nov 1st and 2nd).

As with most holidays of this type it's to reflect on those we've lost, celebrate their lives, and mourn the loss. I enjoyed painting my my mask- this is the first year I've done it, but it's given me the chance to explain El Dia De Los Muertos to many people who curiously asked me what it was supposed to be. So here are some photos- enjoy! And tell me, what's your favorite holiday this time of the year? Your favorite traditions? These are all self portraits, by the way, since I couldn't find a photographer on such short notice (since I only decided to do this yesterday!). Oh yeah- and the premier of my orange hair!

Fat Girl Health: Update

Remember how I gushed about the doctor not mentioning my weight? Well that didn't last long. She called me to let me know the results of my blood tests. My blood pressure was already good so she called to let me know that my cholesterol and my blood sugar were also good- a relief since diabetes runs in my family. Still, she just couldn't help (though to her credit she seemed tentative about it) but suggest that I lose weight. Being thin means being healthier! Right? But I'm already healthy so what do I have to gain exactly? More so, I'd like to know how she'd suggest I do this.

I'm going to talk a little about my health- something I avoid doing because I try to sound professional most of the time (I pull that off, right?).  I have hypothyroidism. At least according to my blood test done Dec. '10 with a TSH level of 4.1. This is something that actually impacts my  health. More recently because, despite not being medicated, my TSH suddenly dropped to 1.6 as my symptoms became debilitating. I may actually have hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's disease. It's an autoimmune disease where the immune system attacks the thyroid. When it does pieces sometimes break off and dump thyroid hormones into the body causing TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone- a hormone released by the pituitary gland in order to stimulate the thyroid when it's not producing enough hormones [T4 and T3]) to drop suddenly. The symptoms are hell to be honest. Severe fatigue, nausea, dizziness, pain.. I've been barely functioning for the past month or so.

This is partially relevant because one of the symptoms I've been experiencing is lack of appetite and nausea after eating. I've been eating very little. It varies from day to day but the most I've been able to eat in the past few weeks is about 1400 calories (I only know this because someone was concerned and asked me to add it up) and the average is closer to 700 with some days being much less. This is not okay and it also hasn't caused weight loss. So when I ask "what would she have me do?" she certainly can't tell me to eat less! This was just plain irresponsible of her. The severity is what caused me to make a doctor's appointment asap. So this, this is what actually effects my health and in a severe way.

I wanted to make the severity of my symptoms clear so that you can be shocked and outraged when I tell you that the doctor (resident) dismissed all of these symptoms. Perhaps she thinks 'oh, fattie thinks she has thyroid problems, big surprise' (even with a copy of my last blood test in front of her) or maybe she's just inexperienced- she is a resident after all. But these things she dismisses while my life is put on hold because of how sick I am, but she thinks weight loss is an appropriate piece of advice (after I informed her of my history with an ED no less- something else I haven't talked about on here because it still makes me feel ashamed and uncomfortable). There is no good excuse for this people. I have one more appointment next week and if it goes as poorly then it's time to find a new doctor!

Fat Girl Health

Actually, all health, male or female, thin or fat. But this is my particular experience with my trip to the doctor as a fat woman. I didn't jump in the recent debate about Jess Weiner, the former fat activist who wrote a sensationalized article about how fat acceptance "made her" ignore important aspects of health such as seeing a doctor. Because I don't know much about this woman or her history in fat acceptance, I stayed away from it, but my trip to see a doctor today for the first time since I can remember for a checkup did remind me of her and how our culture views health in general.

First of all, exercise and healthy eating are extremely important for health. I'm not denying that, I'm not challenging that, that's not what this is about, just so as we're clear on that. Lifestyle, however, can only take you so far. I feel empowered when I go to the gym, especially after an especially hard workout. I feel empowered when I make a delicious and healthy meal or when my son rejects someone offering him fries and asks for an apple. I feel confident that I've taught him healthy habits and that makes me proud. But nothing made me feel so empowered, so in charge of my health and my life, as going to see a doctor this past week. I had blood drawn for all of the normal things- lipids, glucose, vitamin D, etc (also had blood pressure taken which was fabulously perfect even with the white coat anxiety). I feel pretty sure they'll all come back fine, but the part that makes me feel good is knowing for sure. If they don't come back fine I feel great knowing that the knowledge means that I can take control of it, change it, or treat it. And there are plenty of issues that can arise regardless of how active you are or how well you eat. You should also regularly get tested for STI's even if you're in a monogamous relationship and don't forget your general physical exam. I also got the first dose of the HPV vaccine; if you're a woman, you should be getting this.

My point is this: taking care of yourself feels good. Great even! And it goes far beyond just lifestyle and definitely beyond weight since that number can't tell you anything about your health. Sadly, almost 50 million Americans don't have health insurance. Even more have health insurance but still don't go to the doctor's because they can't afford the deductibles and copays. I'm 26 and I just now got insurance. I haven't been to a doctor for anything other than reproductive issues in so many years that I can't even remember. In fact, I may not have been to have a regular checkup since I was a kid. I'm privileged enough to have that taken care of for me. I was able to tell the doctor that yes, I wanted the Gardasil vaccine even if my insurance didn't cover it. Health is multi faceted and while the "obesity epidemic" is complete bullshit, we do have a health epidemic. Health care should be considered a basic human right and this is one area that the US is greatly lagging behind in. Maybe that's why we resort to faux epidemics and scare tactics and sensationalism. It's a substitute for actual health care and it doesn't work, not even close.

You may have occasionally heard the word healthism come up in the fatosphere and perhaps in a post or conversation about ableism. Healthism is the idea that healthy people are more moral and better people than unhealthy people. I likely don't have to tell you, dear readers, that it's all too obvious that classism is also involved since the ability to access quality healthcare is something that's reserved for the wealthy. Not even the middle class have the kind of access they need. Because I am middle class and I still have to decide if I should go to the physical therapist that my doctor recommended for an old rotator cuff injury, the psychiatrist for my bipolar medication, the psychologist for my PTSD, the eye doctor, or the dentist. I can only pick one for this month and then I have to decide who in my family gets to go get their needs taken care of first because we can't all seek medical care at the same time.

How is this a fat issue? Because healthism is deeply intertwined with fatphobia and sizism and poor people are more likely to be fatter (there are all kinds of speculation on why- my belief is that it has to do with emotional well being as well as untreated health issues). Healthism includes fatphobia which includes classism. It's a vicious cycle of violence against the sick and the poor. Healthcare is a human rights issue.

 I feel like the importance of seeing a doctor regularly is glossed over when talking about HAES sometimes, perhaps because of the huge number of people who have no way of following this advice. Our broken health care system is proof that no one actually cares about our health when they shame us, especially when you think about government programs and initiatives such as Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" anti fat kid campaign. The same people who claim to care about your health in one breath will deny you healthcare coverage in the next. So all of you health trolls- I will be completely ignoring you until you start advocating for universal health care and stop talking about fatties driving up health care costs.

Cupcake Love

This was supposed to be an entire dermographia shoot. It didn't workout that way. We decided to start out with a cupcake on my collar bone- boy did that not work! You can see it a bit but the first photo shows how splotchy it was and it faded quickly. My skin was not working with us that day. Despite that we at least got a couple of good photos and John Horwitz brought some awesome broken glasses which I just love.

Raleigh Photographer Workshops

My first experience with this group, wasn't a pleasant one. Still, I figured I'd give it another go since the organizer made sure to post a special message to the group which read:

To all the photographers: The lifeline to the continuances of our group are both our new and veteran members. Our goal is to welcome aboard all those who participate in our events. For every person we shoo away because of our lack of artistic vision and sense of community, we will slowly shoo away the original intent and mission of our group, and that is for us as photographers from the very green beginner to the grizzled veteran to assemble as a collective group to SHARE our enthusiasm and learned knowledge of photography with others. Please, let's be considerate to our models and other photographers.

I appreciate the general nature of the message which refrained from calling me and my experience out specifically. Still, I'm not sure the photographers took it to heart. Of the 14 photographers and 4 models (including myself) that were supposed to be at this shoot only one model (myself) and six photographers showed up. We waited around for almost an hour and then half of the photographers there decided to leave because they "thought there'd be more models". I can't know for sure what they meant, but I'm fairly sure it wasn't the number of models that was the problem. The three photographers who stayed, Mike Hanes, Bing Shens, and Charles Holiday, were great fun to work with. Overall impression of this group, however, is still a poor one. The sheer lack of professionalism with which the majority of the photographers I've met have conducted themselves is disappointing at best.  All of the photographs I received were face shots and no body shots- it's possible that they weren't used to working with a fat model but, guys, for future reference, I didn't get dressed up for nothing. (edit: after I wrote this I did get photos from the third photographer, Charles Holiday who included some body shots so I'm going to include some here!)

The three photographers I did work with were great so on to the photos!

Razors and Pins **trigger warning**

**Trigger Warning for depictions of self harm and suicide**

edit: oops, guess I should have mentioned that the blood is, of course, fake blood- just corn syrup, cocoa powder, and red food dye.

I finally got the photos from this shoot which I did back in January. I haven't done a lot of angsty or depressive photoshoots, but I wanted to explore it and Anthony Thomas volunteered for the job. It took me forever to hang all those damn razor blades and, yes, the safety pins are really stuck through my skin- it started to hurt about half way up, but hey, it's for art, right? No one can say I don't go the extra mile! As always, follow my flickr page to see complete sets- I never post all of the photos from a shoot on my blog- it's usually just too many photos.

Also I'd like to point you to the TWLOHA website. The "To Write Love on Her Arms" campaign is one dedicated to raising awareness about depression and self injury. Please support them and their cause and let your friends, family, and loved ones know that you support them in their struggle.

incorporating my dermographia

Fishnets and Tulle

Another set of images from the PERC workshop I modeled for in June. I'm not sure what this look is, but perhaps burlesque inspired? I had an equal number of photos in this outfit with a red feather boa which was given to me by the instructor, but being vegan it made me feel uncomfortable and I decided not to post them. No fears though, I'm working on trying to find a vegan boa and, when I do, I'll do a set with it.

It Doesn't Matter What You Eat- Food Is Why You're Fat

It's funny how memories can just pop up over the littlest things. I got up this morning and poured myself a bowl of cereal and it reminded me of some old diet advice I was given.. I suppose when you spend so many years dieting it's natural to have a hell of a lot of memories. In this case the sentence that popped into my head was, "Well, there's your problem- the Cheerios!". Yes, I'm serious- the secret to why I was fat according to this fitness guru (I believe this conversation took place when someone crossposted a question on reddit.com to the fitness subreddit without my permission) the entire reason why I didn't lose weight, even though I was starving myself, was because I ate Cheerios. I started thinking of all of the absolutely bogus excuses that people came up with for my fatness.

"Maybe you eat too many bananas" (when I was briefly a raw foodist and consulting a dietitian about weight).

"It's because you're vegan! Vegans are carboholics" (assuming I ate lots of pasta without even asking).

My favorite: "You must be lying about what you eat".

Upon finding out that I exercised every day: "That's not going to do you any good, your body gets used to it, duh" (in an obvious attempt to indicate that I was simply too stupid to exercise properly.. so exercise.. but not every day.. or something like that.  #butiwasexercising*).

"You eat too much fruit" (from a different person than the dietitian- they insisted that fruit was no different from shoving cupcakes in your mouth).

"You don't eat enough. You need to keep your metabolism up" (or the alternate "You eat too much- doesn't matter how little or much you actually eat).

"You should skip breakfast" (or the alternate "it's because you skip breakfast").

I'm sure there are more that I'm not thinking of right now.. but the anti-fruit people are the ones that make me laugh the hardest.. or maybe just the ones who make me afraid for humanity the most. I don't mean that literally of course.. just an exasperated exclamation about the ignorance of the general public on issues of both fat and health. When you begin villianizing fruit in attempt to further fatphobia, then the extremism of fat hate has gotten to a point of being simply astonishing. Add your own bizzare diet advice or "you're fat because" comments. Then we can all have a good laugh together at how ridiculous they are and a good cry over the fact that we, sadly, used to believe them (what were we thinking?!).

*anyone else notice that the last bit looks like "sexercising"? Now that sounds like a good workout! 

Yes, yes it is.

Today's post is prompted, once again, by a search phrase used to find my blog. It was "is calling someone fat when they are fat, bullying?". I know the inclination here is just to call this person an asshole and get on with life.. but they post a valid question- valid in that I can see why they would wonder and it is, at least, good that they've decided to research the topic which means maybe they want to change their abusive bullying ways. I can understand how people might be confused. I am  fat so what's wrong with someone calling me fat? I call myself fat after all!

The thing is, when I call myself fat and when I say "fat women" or "fat men" I'm using it completely as a descriptor. And even then I only use those words here on my blog and on other FA blogs where I know people are comfortable with the term, around thin people who could benefit from hearing it in a non derogatory way, and around friends and family who are also comfortable with it. I would never use it in reference to a stranger that I was talking to if I didn't know their comfort level. I would never call someone fat, even in a non derogatory way, if I didn't know their view on the word. Why? Because people who call us fat aren't using it as a descriptor. They're using it as an insult. They're using it as a stand in word for a whole mess of other words like ugly, gross, disgusting, unattractive, stupid, lazy, glutinous, bad, immoral, poor, uneducated (the last two being classist in addition to sizist!) and many more. When people say "omg look at that fat girl!" what they're really saying is "ewwww look how fat she is! I bet she stuffs her face and lays around all day".  When the average person uses the word fat- it's a judgement and it's meant to tear that person down. It's sort of like calling a gay person a "faggot". Technically they mean the same thing, but the second word is used purely derogatorily and I'm sure it's common sense that walking up to a gay kid and calling him a faggot would be bullying and, yes, hate speech.

Previously we've gotten around the F word by using words like "plus size", "larger", "curvy", "fluffy" and "BBW" (and many more). The F word has been avoided because, as I stated above, it's always been used as an insult and most people still use it and perceive it that way. The fat acceptance movement has been attempting to take the word back. To use it as a neutral term as it was originally meant. But if you're  calling someone fat and meaning it as an insult in any way (check your preconceived notions and assumptions at the door please!) and/or if you don't know for sure that the person is comfortable with the term fat then yes, it's absolutely bullying. Bullying is something that is intended to hurt, degrade, belittle, and break people. It doesn't matter if they are actually fat or not (and everyone has different standards for this anyway), it is bullying when you are trying to hurt them. Similarly, if you are using the word fat on yourself in an insulting way, you are abusing yourself- this is much harder to fight because most of us have been brainwashed and abused most of our lives.. and that's what the FA world is for!