National Suicide Awareness Week

So, how many times can I write about my past suicide attempts without becoming repetitious? How many times can I lament about the number of people who attempt or complete suicide because of bullying? How many times can I repeat myself that self harm is often a second away from a slit wrist? I'll tell you how many times: not enough. It's National Suicide Awareness Week and that time of year that I talk about suicide and bullying and self harm and  yes, weight stigma. Because weight stigma is the number one cause of bullying at school. And we know that kids who are fat or even perceive themselves as fat are more at risk for depression, self injury, suicide attempts, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. So talking about weight during National Suicide Awareness Week seems pretty important considering fat kids are more likely to be bullied and attempt suicide.

The kicker here is how many people use these things as justification for more weight stigma. They say that being fat is unpleasant and therefore people should get thin for their own mental health. But is the cure for ending weight stigma more stigma? I think the obvious answer here is no. The answer is ending stigma and discrimination and oppression. Because you know what is absolutely not good for a person's health? Yeah, those things. The problem is that people believe weight is mutable. That it's a choice we make. And, for about 5% of people weight may indeed be malleable through what we deem "lifestyle changes". Eat healthier, exercise regularly and poof, new body! The problem is that for those other 95% of people it doesn't work so well. You tend to diet and exercise and yet the weight always comes back no matter what you do and, most of the time, you just end up heavier than when you started! Well no matter how much busting your ass you've done, the stigma is still there. You did the work, you made the changes, and yet the weight doesn't go away for you and neither does the stigma.

For me, I was a skinny kid until about 2nd/3rd grade (or 7/8 years old) when my Bipolar Disorder hit. Suddenly, with no change to my habits, I put on a good 100lbs in about three years. And I've been about the same size ever since (a size 22). Yes, in 6th grade I wore a size 22 in women's. Try shopping for cute trendy clothes at that age and that size! And yeah, I was bullied mercilessly, I lost all of my friends, I was asked out by boys as a joke, and, at age 10, I attempted suicide. I've written about my first suicide attempt enough that it almost feels numbing and yet part of that is the unbelievable fact that a 10 year old would try to kill themselves. And yet it happens more than we'd like to think.

I'd like to point out that since finding fat acceptance I haven't had a single suicide attempt or suicidal thought related to my weight. I believe that finding acceptance and love and community has helped immensely and there's at least one study that backs that up.

So here's a question: If weight is so important in bullying and suicide statistics why isn't it talked about more? In the movie Bully, weight was never once brought up as a reason for bullying for instance. I saw the movie and yes, parts of it moved me to tears. It was a good movie, and yet it lacked a vital life saving part of the puzzle. People look at fat kids and fat adults as fair game. They did this to themselves so they deserve derision and abuse. We have a responsibility to address this, especially in spaces that aren't fat specific spaces or feminism specific spaces. It has to be seen in the same way that bullying for other attributes are seen- as unacceptable and as the bigotry that it is. Getting fat bullying and suicide into the mainstream will be hugely important in how we deal with this topic and how we solve this problem.

The fact is, it doesn't matter if weight is a choice or not. No one deserves to be bullied and abused into attempting suicide. It doesn't matter if it's because the kid is fat, disabled, lgbt, a racial minority, poor, or just plain weird. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Everyone.

Unimportant

I'll admit it, most people think what I do is  unimportant and it hurts. One guy on facebook called me an antifeminist and a show pony for doing what I do. I'm relatively unknown and I don't think I'll ever be "discovered". I've been blogging and posting for three years now and I'm no where near as famous as most fat activists I know- even fatshion bloggers are more respected than I am. Why? Because all I do is sit in front of a camera and pout....right?

I'm here to tell you that what I do is hard. Not just physically, although holding a difficult pose for an undefined period of time can get hard, no, I mean emotionally. Like everyone else I have issues with my body. Although I resolved much of my body hatred when I discovered fat acceptance, I still have a deeply ingrained dislike of my fat, my small boobs, my big nose, my non existent eyebrows, my.. well, you get the point. But here's the thing. I don't do this for myself. I know it may seem like it's a boost to my self esteem or whatever, but it's actually not. The thing about cognitive dissonance is that other people telling you how pretty and photogenic you are does not necessarily make you feel like it is so. And I often post photos that I even hate (not because it's a bad photo, but because I feel too ugly or fat) because I know it's not for me.

The point of what I do is to show other people who have bodies that don't fit into the typical thin model archetype (even "plus size" models who still tend to have big breasts and flat bellies) and they should love and be proud of who they are. I get so many messages telling me things like "your body is so much like mine" and "I thought my body was weird and unattractive". Then they tell me how I've helped them in some way. These are little bits of sunshine in my otherwise dreary and anxiety filled days. I'm feeling quite a bit of anxiety right now, at this very moment, because it's so difficult to explain the importance of what I do.

I challenge the system. Yes, even though I'm a part of it. In the same way that people of color often challenge the system by inserting themselves into modeling, acting, etc. Because while the system is flawed (okay, very flawed), you can't fix it by sitting on the outside. We can complain about people of size not being represented, but who's going out there and representing us? You can't talk about how models are getting thinner and how unrealistic they are without needing models who are representative of a wider range of bodies. So yeah, I'm a part of the broken system (sort of since I'm not actually part of the broader modeling scene), but it's an important part.

Part of the reason I began modeling was because I never saw a body like mine. Not "plus size" models with their flat tummies, not fatshion bloggers who didn't have folds like I do and always seem to be smaller. I didn't see a lot of people posting photos of themselves online and I certainly didn't see a lot of what their bodies actually looked like. I know fatshion has gotten more popular in the last couple of years and so now I probably could find people with similar body types, but no one who's willing to pose in, goodness forbid- the nude! (My one saving grace is adipositivity)

I still hesitate every time I make a photo post. I still have dread. I still haven't rid myself of all of my body issues and fears. But it's not about me, is it? It's about you. So yeah, it's hard. It's hard being unsure of yourself and posing in front of a camera. It's hard to put yourself out there, to send messages to photographers when most of them will reject you. It's hard to post those photos online to be scrutinized. It's hard to read the troll comments that those posts attract. Emotionally it's exhausting. Sometimes it's so exhausting that I just do nothing for a while. But I do believe it helps people and it does good and that it's important. And that's why I'll continue, for as long as I can.

White Ruffles

Another great set by Photographer Travis McKeithan.

Pretty Pink

Another set from Photography by Alyson Lawton. Love these photos and major thanks to Alyson for a fabulous time!

Pink and White

There were so many great photos by Alyson Lawton that I'm having to split the photos up into a couple of posts. This is the first. Obviously these photos are from a couple months ago when I still had pink hair. Alyson is a talented photographer and I very much enjoyed working with her and hope to work with her again in the future.

Electric Banana

Electric banana is the name of the manic panic in my hair ;-). This is the first time I've done all over yellow and I'm loving it! Photos by the talented Travis McKeithan.

Paula Deen

Okay, listen up because this is the only time I'm going to talk about Paula Deen and the recent scandal that resulted in her being fired. First of all the non fat acceptance parts. I'm tired of seeing people saying that she got fired for something she said two decades ago. That's not what happened. If the accusations are to be believed she still uses racial slurs, forced black employees to use the back door and a separate bathroom, was involved in a scandal which involved physical abuse and sexual harassment in her brother's restaurant, and fantasized about throwing a slave themed wedding (you heard me right) where she hired an all black wait staff to wait on white guests. So, let's stop pretending this is about a single incident in the past (which was also not okay by the way).

Now the fat acceptance parts (which is still tired into the racism parts). The racism and fatphobia I've seen with people defending this vile woman is astounding. The comment "she did more damage to black folks with her food" or "she did more damage to black people's waistlines" has been going around and around many of the threads I've seen on the topic. Do you get that? Do you get what they're saying? That being fat is literally worse than systematic racism, discrimination and oppression. These workers were forced to use a separate entrance and bathroom, were physically assaulted, were paid less, but no, being fat is worse. What does it say when society thinks that being fat is literally the worst thing that can happen to you? Now, there's only so much I can say on this topic because I have white privilege, but to say that racism somehow ranks lower than being fat is just.. mind blowing.

Let me tell you something else, the fatphobia shown in these comments and theads is also systematic oppression. Way to go racists. You're oppressing the black community in two ways now. Don't you feel special? How is it that no matter what the issue, being fat somehow gets dragged into it? I'm involved in a lot of LGBTQI groups (being bisexual myself) and being fat comes up a surprising amount of times. Sometimes the naive passer by expects this community to be somehow liberal and progressive when it comes to all rights, but no, the only rights they care about are their own. Which is ironic because so many people can't see the intersectional issues with homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, and fatphobia. Why people don't understand intersectionality in general I don't know. The basic principle? Shit is complicated. No matter what it is, no matter what issue, it's complicated and it involves privileges and prejudices across a wide spectrum that criss cross and mingle and create unique circumstances for everyone involved.

Anyway, rambling again, sorry. The point is that fat acceptance and racial discrimination sometimes go hand in hand. It's simply inevitable that weight would come into the equation when racism is being discussed and not in a positive manner. Because, you see, weight is part of racial discrimination. The image of black people, especially women, as large and loud and slovenly and eating fried chicken all of the time, etc, etc. These are all things that I saw in the discussions of Paula Deen. Black people are fat because they eat fried chicken and lots of butter and other southern style foods. All I can do is shake my head, comment back, and, well, blog about it. Again, I'm white so my views on racism and how intertwined it is with fatphobia pales in comparison to the actual lived experience of people of color. And I would love love love to get some comments from POC sharing your experiences and opinions on the Paula Deen scandal, the racism, the fatphobia and how the two intersect.

That's it. That's all I'm going to say on the topic. Intersectionality is a real thing and shit's complicated. Get that? Good.