National Suicide Awareness Week

So, how many times can I write about my past suicide attempts without becoming repetitious? How many times can I lament about the number of people who attempt or complete suicide because of bullying? How many times can I repeat myself that self harm is often a second away from a slit wrist? I'll tell you how many times: not enough. It's National Suicide Awareness Week and that time of year that I talk about suicide and bullying and self harm and  yes, weight stigma. Because weight stigma is the number one cause of bullying at school. And we know that kids who are fat or even perceive themselves as fat are more at risk for depression, self injury, suicide attempts, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. So talking about weight during National Suicide Awareness Week seems pretty important considering fat kids are more likely to be bullied and attempt suicide.

The kicker here is how many people use these things as justification for more weight stigma. They say that being fat is unpleasant and therefore people should get thin for their own mental health. But is the cure for ending weight stigma more stigma? I think the obvious answer here is no. The answer is ending stigma and discrimination and oppression. Because you know what is absolutely not good for a person's health? Yeah, those things. The problem is that people believe weight is mutable. That it's a choice we make. And, for about 5% of people weight may indeed be malleable through what we deem "lifestyle changes". Eat healthier, exercise regularly and poof, new body! The problem is that for those other 95% of people it doesn't work so well. You tend to diet and exercise and yet the weight always comes back no matter what you do and, most of the time, you just end up heavier than when you started! Well no matter how much busting your ass you've done, the stigma is still there. You did the work, you made the changes, and yet the weight doesn't go away for you and neither does the stigma.

For me, I was a skinny kid until about 2nd/3rd grade (or 7/8 years old) when my Bipolar Disorder hit. Suddenly, with no change to my habits, I put on a good 100lbs in about three years. And I've been about the same size ever since (a size 22). Yes, in 6th grade I wore a size 22 in women's. Try shopping for cute trendy clothes at that age and that size! And yeah, I was bullied mercilessly, I lost all of my friends, I was asked out by boys as a joke, and, at age 10, I attempted suicide. I've written about my first suicide attempt enough that it almost feels numbing and yet part of that is the unbelievable fact that a 10 year old would try to kill themselves. And yet it happens more than we'd like to think.

I'd like to point out that since finding fat acceptance I haven't had a single suicide attempt or suicidal thought related to my weight. I believe that finding acceptance and love and community has helped immensely and there's at least one study that backs that up.

So here's a question: If weight is so important in bullying and suicide statistics why isn't it talked about more? In the movie Bully, weight was never once brought up as a reason for bullying for instance. I saw the movie and yes, parts of it moved me to tears. It was a good movie, and yet it lacked a vital life saving part of the puzzle. People look at fat kids and fat adults as fair game. They did this to themselves so they deserve derision and abuse. We have a responsibility to address this, especially in spaces that aren't fat specific spaces or feminism specific spaces. It has to be seen in the same way that bullying for other attributes are seen- as unacceptable and as the bigotry that it is. Getting fat bullying and suicide into the mainstream will be hugely important in how we deal with this topic and how we solve this problem.

The fact is, it doesn't matter if weight is a choice or not. No one deserves to be bullied and abused into attempting suicide. It doesn't matter if it's because the kid is fat, disabled, lgbt, a racial minority, poor, or just plain weird. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Everyone.

On Fat Child Abuse

It's been a little while since I've written a post and I woke up this morning with child abuse on my mind. Specifically the kind endured by a fat child by family and peers. I hesitate to call it bullying because that seems so mild and unassuming. Abuse is a better word for the physical assaults, the verbal abuse, and more that kids, and even adults, go through.

I was thinking of that video that was going around not too long ago of a straight girl in a world where gay is the norm. Now, I know a lot of queer folks had a problem with the video but this queer woman thought it was moving and emotionally devastating. I also thought "huh, how well that would work for fat kids too". I don't think a lot of people realize how much fat kids have in common with queer kids in the face of abuse from peers and classmates and even family.

Of course, unlike being queer, I could never hide that I was fat. I managed to make it all the way through high school with no one knowing I wasn't straight, but fat? Oh, everyone could see that (of course, not everyone can hide their sexuality either and when I did finally come out I got plenty of people denying I existed or telling me I was just confused and to just be straight already).

The abuse started when I began to lose friends as I gained weight. Pre weight gain (and I gained weight very suddenly and quickly- the doctors guess it went along with my bipolar symptoms first showing up) I was popular. I was really popular. I had tons of friends and "boyfriends" and everyone wanted to hang out with me. I was the talk of the class and sometimes the school. As I gained weight though my friends dropped to a lonely zero. That's right, I went from being popular with everyone wanting to be my friend to not a friend in the world (until around 5th grade when another fat girl moved to my class and we became instant best friends). Can you imagine how lonely that is for a socially outgoing little girl? So first, I became isolated. I felt completely alone and part of nothing. I was that kid every teacher worried about.

Then the verbal and emotional abuse. Fatty fatty two by four. Fake love letters or boys asking me out just to laugh at me in class. Fat slob. Worthless. Fatty. Oh, how fatty was a favorite.

Then the assaults. Yes, I was assaulted multiple times. I was beat up, I had two kids, Linda and Jason Rhodes were their names, who used to follow me home from school on their bikes, as I walked, and threw stones and bricks at me. I ignored them thinking it would make them stop and because I didn't know how to face them. It never stopped.

So, at 10 years old, I attempted suicide for the first time. It failed and no one, not even my family, ever knew about it. I want everyone, everyone, to stop and think about that for a second. Do you know a kid around that age? Were your own kids once that age or about to be? Can you imagine a kid.. just a child.. feeling so hopeless, worthless, unloved, and unneeded that they felt they had to take their own life? Have you ever touched a child's coffin? Ever seen parents weep for a lost child? Ever been close to the victim of a suicide? Please take a moment to truly consider this. Let it seep into your psyche, let it touch your core. Even I have a hard time fathoming this and it happened to me.

As I got older and kids were exposed to more of the world (meaning more violence) I began to get threats. Death threats. Threats of physical violence. Being told to kill myself. Even told to video tape it so everyone could watch. I became a cutter, constantly suicidal without knowing how to get rid of that pain except through more pain. I developed an eating disorder. Vomiting after meals, starving myself, abusing diet pills (isn't all diet pill use an abuse of them really? They're such nasty little things), over exercising. Even at a size 12 I was still bullied. I still thought I was huge. I had my eating disorder ignored because I was fat which made it good. Good to have daily fainting spells. Good to nearly kill myself. Good to risk a heart condition. Good because I was trying to be thin, no matter what the consequences.

And I want to be clear that the abuse wasn't just at school. My aunts, who were my main caregivers, made me feel worthless, often made fun of me, or made comments on my weight, were unsupportive. I had nowhere to hide. Home was almost as bad as school. I had no one to turn to for help. Add to that that my home environment was also physically abusive and I was afraid all of the time. Afraid and alone.

I want to emphasize that my story is not original, it's not unique, it's not a special snowflake of experience. Things like this happen to fat kids again and again and again. Sometimes worse. Sometimes those kids do take their lives successfully and people say it was because of bullying but they never say what kind- fatphobic bullying.  I'll say again that fat kids are often abuse in a number of ways- physically assaulted, chased home, beat up, living in fear. Verbally assaulted with names and cruelty that mimics or bests any domestic violence situation, verbal abuse to cut you down, to make you feel like nothing, worthless. Threats of violence, of rape - how about being told that your rape doesn't count because as a fatty you should feel lucky to have someone have sex with you? It happens. Being told to kill yourself. Sexual assault and harassment.

I love the new anti bullying programs across the country put in place to help and protect lgbt youth, I do. As someone who grew up as an lgbt youth and wishes I had the same protection as an adult, I think it's fantastic.  But I think we have to remember that fat bullying is an old as anyone can remember and kids killing themselves (or attempting to) for being fat has been around just as long as lgbt suicide. But people want to put one on a pedestal and ignore the other. I'm not in any way trying to play the Oppression Olypics, but as someone who's both queer and fat, I feel I can speak on the similarities to a degree -lgbt bullying can and does go further. For example being kicked out of their homes, or even risk of homicide. However, with the escalation of the OBESITYEPIDEMICBOOGABOOGA, with kids being taken out of their homes for being fat, with one UK woman recently attacked on public transit for being fat, I feel like it is only getting worse and more dangerous for fat kids and fat adults. Let's not forget that fat adults face all of the same possible dangers that fat kids face.

I'm writing all of this with a heaviness in my heart that I can't seem to make go away. I wish I could just impress upon everyone the seriousness of fat hate. You can't hate someone thin and, mostly importantly, you can't hate someone healthy. Hate can kill and I mean that with every drop of seriousness that I can muster. Your fatphobia can kill. Innocent, beautiful children. Children aren't born hateful, they're taught it. Hate is far more of a choice than fat will ever be.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Week

We just saw the end of Suicide Prevention Awareness week yesterday. I put off writing because I didn't know what to write. Most of you have read my personal struggles with suicide and you know that fat acceptance and body acceptance have been a miracle balm. What I've decided to write about is the "it's not my fault" mentality. For years I hung around suicide forums in hopes that I could help people either struggling with suicidal ideation or someone who had lost or was in danger of losing a loved one to suicide. What I saw over and over were people who bullied, abused, and neglected loved ones who wanted reassurance that the resulting suicide wasn't their fault. And people gave it to them. A common thread is to say that nothing could have stopped them.

I don't know who started this line of BS but I want to set things straight. You can help prevent suicide. No, you can't prevent every case, but people who are suicidal aren't lost causes. They just want the pain to stop and, believe me, the amount of pain they're in is tremendous. More so, if you bully, abuse, or neglect a person who's suicidal then you are part of that person's pain and you are contributing, directly or indirectly, to their suicide. I'm sorry, but this "it's not my fault" stuff is fluff that people tell you to make you feel better. It's not truth.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline says " No matter who you are, you can help prevent suicide". This is the real truth. 

Tips on preventing suicide:

If you are suicidal:

• Talk to someone. It doesn't matter if it's a school counselor, a therapist, a parent, a best friend, or the suicide hotline. Talking can help you to calm down and perhaps find long term help.
• Take it one day at a time. You want to kill yourself today? Wait until tomorrow. Then wait another day. Then another. Every day is a battle and an achievement. 
• Keep a journal or diary
• Be around other people. Being alone only increases feelings of isolation and the feelings that no one would care. When you're around others you not only keep yourself busy, but you see how much your friends love you. 
• seek out support groups and other resources on suicide prevention such as reddit.com/r/suicidewatch or http://www.dailystrength.org. 
• visit http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ where you can call or chat with someone if you're in crisis. 

Personal tricks I've learned to help myself stay in a stable mood:

• open all of the curtains and, when the weather allows, the windows
• look up when you walk, not down
• spend time in nature
• exercise regularly and eat healthfully
• If low self esteem at all revolves around your looks, seek out fat and body acceptance resources. 

If a loved one is suicidal:

• Never dismiss or invalidate their feelings. They're feeling like this for a reason.
• Take this very very seriously. 
• Encourage them to seek help such as a therapist or school counselor. If you are a parent then it is your responsibility to make an appointment as soon as possible. 
• Talk to them and really listen 
• Remind them how much you love them
• If you've been part of the problem or you have influence over someone who has been stop immediately. Whether it's bullying, teasing, verbal nit picking- whatever. If you're a parent and a sibling of your child is bullying them, intervene immediately. Perhaps get the bully into therapy as well. 
• Visit http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm 

Suicide can be prevented. Remember the old Smokey the Bear saying, "only you can prevent forest fires"? Only you can help prevent suicide. It's important to remember that suicidal people don't want to die, they want the pain to stop, therefore you have every opportunity to intervene and let them know that their pain isn't permanent and it can be helped. More so, I can't stress enough that the bullies and abusers (same thing really) of the world are responsible for the self harming actions of their victims whether it be self injury, attempted or completed suicide, or their mental well being. Don't say "it's not my fault", ask "what can I do to help?". 

Razors and Pins **trigger warning**

**Trigger Warning for depictions of self harm and suicide**

edit: oops, guess I should have mentioned that the blood is, of course, fake blood- just corn syrup, cocoa powder, and red food dye.

I finally got the photos from this shoot which I did back in January. I haven't done a lot of angsty or depressive photoshoots, but I wanted to explore it and Anthony Thomas volunteered for the job. It took me forever to hang all those damn razor blades and, yes, the safety pins are really stuck through my skin- it started to hurt about half way up, but hey, it's for art, right? No one can say I don't go the extra mile! As always, follow my flickr page to see complete sets- I never post all of the photos from a shoot on my blog- it's usually just too many photos.

Also I'd like to point you to the TWLOHA website. The "To Write Love on Her Arms" campaign is one dedicated to raising awareness about depression and self injury. Please support them and their cause and let your friends, family, and loved ones know that you support them in their struggle.

incorporating my dermographia