Dreaming of Wheels

I finally dreamed of myself in a wheelchair.

How we view ourselves is often hard. What we think of ourselves, even how we picture ourselves in our own heads can be so vastly different from reality. For example, my dream self is often my 16 year old self. The self that could still do things, that wasn't sick, that still had a lifetime of possibilities in front of her. Dream me can do all of the things that I wish I still could.

I don't remember what the dream was about, except that I was trying desperately to wheel up an escalator in my wheelchair. In reality, I can't wheel myself even on flat surfaces because my fingers subluxate (a type of mild , but painful, dislocation). I'm fairly certain it involved a lot of places that I couldn't go due to the chair, or rather, due to spaces that weren't accessible. When I woke up, I was distinctly aware that my dream had included a mobility aid.

I've only used a wheelchair or scooter a handful of times, but it's becoming more frequent as I realize that, for so many years, I've made myself sick and miserable trying to do things the way an able bodied person would. This summer, for the first time, I went to a water park and actually enjoyed it because I rented a scooter. This significantly reduced pain, dizziness, nausea, confusion/fog brain... it was amazing to be able to do something for hours at at time and not have to take weeks to recover.

The more I use wheels, the greater my self consciousness about how I look using wheels, despite how obvious it is that they improve my life. I imagine how people view me, especially in a college town teeming with hipsters and athletes. It's difficult to let go of caring what other people think or say about you. On a backdrop of a bunch of people you don't even know, it's pretty normal to have an internal narrative of what they're thinking about a fat,  30-something, woman using a wheelchair, who occasionally stands. Stands! See? She can stand! She doesn't even need that wheelchair! She's just a lazy fatso!

This is not even a far leap considering that we've all seen plenty of posts which are photos taken of people, in public, and posted online with the sole purpose of mocking them. Think of the long reign of "People of Walmart" which was almost exclusively used to abuse fat people and trans people. People in public are looking at me, they are judging me. It is a fact of visibly being a member of any marginalized group.

The internalized fatphobia here is clear. I feel the need for people to be aware that there's a good reason why I'm using this chair. I don't want them to assume it's due to being fat because that means they're using negative stereotypes about fat people, about me. And we, so often, feel the need to dispel stereotypes and hate at all times because if they keep their biases, they also keep hurting us and those like us. Sometimes though, we have to let things go and know people are just going to be cruel no matter what and we can't fix everyone. I feel like marginalized people often feel the need to take on all of the work ourselves, on an individual level. I, as a fat, disabled, woman, have to educate all of the people! ALL of them! It's difficult to even think about it as a group effort when we rarely have local communities to feel a part of.

Honestly, after eight years in the fat liberation movement, I still have so much to unpack, so much to unlearn. Being visibly disabled by invisible illnesses has been really difficult. We have to examine, as always, the ways in which different forms of oppression intersect and, I truly believe, we desperately need local communities to help us feel less alone in the fight.

But, while I haven't changed the world single-handedly, dreaming of myself in a chair seems like a good step. As Jemma Simmons recently said, "The steps you make don't need to be big, they just need to take you in the right direction."

Has Call-out Culture On The Left Become An Obstacle?

Has call-out culture on the left become abusive? What about other aspects of leftist activist discourse? Stay in your lane. Emotional labor. Educate yourself. Are we, as activists, creating a culture where we expect people to transform into good people without being able to ask questions or mess up? Where we expect people to have the ability to learn just from reading articles on the internet or lengthy books filled with unfamiliar words?

The first thing I want to point out is that people learn differently. My son needs one on one interaction or videos. He can learn through reading, but the information takes longer to absorb and, as a kid with autism, he sometimes has a lot of trouble with abstract ideas that aren't spelled out in real world situations. I learn best in a classroom setting with a combination of academic and lay speak, reading, and one on one interactions and questions. Some people can read a library in a week and understand it all perfectly. Some people can't really read at all. Some people are auditory learners, some people learn best using their hands and using activities to get a lesson across.

So, why then, do we on the left expect all people to be able to google a topic, pick the right articles without actually knowing about the subject matter (because we all know there are plenty of blogs, news outlets, youtube channels, and more that are going to be arguing the opposite point that we are), read article after article, and then be able to come to the same conclusion we've come to- on their own with no guidance? It would be kinda great if we could do that. It truly would make our jobs as activists easier. We could call people out, tell them they're wrong, not tell them why, and they'd go learn about it and then realize they were indeed wrong. That's not how people work though.

Calling out, on the internet, has become about having someone to take out our pent up anger on. And that's relatable and understandable, because goodness knows, we have some pent up anger and, generally speaking, nowhere to release it except in twitter rants and youtube videos that have 112 hits by mostly trolls.

But what happens when we start dog-piling on someone who is genuinely trying to learn and wanting to understand but, for whatever reason, hitting a blockade in their minds? Neuroscience has told us that the human brain, when it has a strongly held belief and encounters information that goes against it, will actually throw out the new information and the original belief will become stronger. This is not a conscious thing that people are doing. It's how our brains evolved and it's how they navigate the world daily. Which means that it is incredibly difficult to change information that we grew up with, information that's a part of our core beliefs about how the world works.

This seems especially true with fat liberation. Because, while I grew up in the 90's getting "girl power!" messages that, at least challenged the patriarchal ways of the world a little, there was never a single shred of any information that told me being fat was acceptable in any manner.

But, beyond how difficult it is to evolve our ideas and information, when someone feels attacked and defensive, it makes the issue that much worse. And I'm not saying that we have to be 100% nice all of the time because, yes, it's infuriating and triggering and anxiety inducing and we just can't be the patient educator all of the time. It's completely okay for some people to just block someone and move on.

But, that's why it's always been a good thing that we have different people in different degrees of helpfulness and willingness at different times. I've seen, and been in the position of a person who has screwed something up out of ignorance and misunderstanding, and had a dozen people calling me names. As someone who deals with severe anxiety as well as suicidal depression, this tactic might feel good, but it also tends to be ableist and doesn't help anyone learn. Maybe a word or concept was new to that person. Maybe they misunderstood something they'd read. Maybe they really were just being an asshole. You won't know unless someone has that conversation. It doesn't have to be you all of the time, but it does have to be someone. When people are trying to learn and grow, who does it help to make them feel like they're shit human beings no matter how hard they're trying or how far they've come?

On the left, we've started expecting people to be perfect. Which is that much harder when we all have a different definition for perfect.

And, many of us will say, "but you can't demand the emotional labor of marginalized people". To which I'll respond- no.. you can't. But why can't we request it? No one has to answer or use their spoons, or energy, or risk their mental health, in order to educate a person. But when we start refusing to have any one on one interactions, we're taking away the human aspect of social justice issues. Having someone reading about these things on your favorite social justice website can be good, but it's much easier to dismiss that information when you aren't connecting it to real human beings. In a one on one conversation where you can say "this is how you're making me feel and these are the consequences of your words and beliefs" is where people tend to have "aha!" moments.

It's pretty well known by now that having someone in your family who's LGBTQIA+  (which, by the way, I almost guarantee there is. There are a lot of us around, we just may not feel safe telling you) significantly increases the likelihood that you'll support legislation, policies, and beliefs that are pro LGBTQIA+. Because when you can relate your beliefs and actions to someone that you actually care about, suddenly it's not an abstract scary person, it's your son, it's your cousin, it's your parent.

And I completely get that people should be good people regardless. And I'm behind the idea, for example, that women are people because we're people, not because of how we relate to a man. But it's also true that humanizing feminism by relating it to a woman that man cares about is going to get through to people. It's a first step in getting the to the point of seeing us as people deserving of rights regardless of whether or not we're related or sleeping with that man.

I'm going to jump to one more topic. For those of you who don't know, the term "stay in your lane" refers to people in privileged positions staying away from having opinions of marginalized people or situations. For example, if a celebrity was fat and disabled, a fat able bodied person wouldn't be able to criticize them for perusing weight loss. But if that celebrity was superfat, then disabled fat person who was a small fat or a medium fat couldn't criticize them. The issue I see with this is how difficult it is to effectively create change if only a fraction of activists can even say anything.

Sometimes staying in your lane is appropriate... but sometimes I appreciate when a thin ally speaks up about yet another fat role model turning to intentional weight loss. And sure, they have to be careful how far they take it... personally yelling face to face at a fat person who's decided to lose weight? Not cool- definitely stay in your lane. But expressing any opinion at all? Venting their frustrations on their facebook page? We have to give even privileged people some leeway to process their emotions on things.

We're creating an unhealthy dynamic in which people aren't allowed to feel or process any feelings they have. And the infrastructure is imploding because of it.

In theory, a lot of leftist ideas are great and hugely necessary... but the way we implement them practically is becoming problematic itself and it's not helping our causes. There's no room for discourse and learning. It's an all or nothing game where loser gets his head on a pike.

I want to be clear, I am not calling for marginalized people to be "civil". A lot of us are living in desperate and terrifying times. In the US, many marginalized people have to be hypervigilent because risk or death or losing everything is even greater than it's been. Standing your ground and having clear boundaries and expectations for how people get to behave and treat you is necessary and healthy.

What I am saying, is that, for those who are able, when you can, let's do our best to take on some discussions so that we can take the pressure off of those who aren't able right now. Fat activists- let's do that within our own group. Some of our fat siblings are unable to educate right now. So let's do that when we can. And, when we can't, maybe they can pick up where we left off. You don't have to be friends with the people you're educating. You don't have to invite them into your life, because, intentionally or not, they often leave violence. However, we can't expect for them to find the light when we shove them into the dark with a "figure it out and don't come back until you do".  If we do that, all they'll find is more darkness, and we're the ones who suffer for it.

When Eating Disorders ARE The Beauty Ideal

TW: EDs, mention of death

When I was in high school, I had a casual friend, M. I liked her. I wanted to be like her. She was quirky, weird, popular, and once asked if she could have my soul. I said yes, wrote it on a piece of paper, and she put it in a decorated box in which she kept her other collected souls. She was me, but prettier, thinner, and way less awkward. She was also, as good 90's kids were, obsessed with Nirvana.

I recall a day in creative writing class, where she was waxing poetically about Kirt Cobain, slipping in that he had an eating disorder which lead to his suicide (which is likely not actually true 15 year old me caught the conversation.

"When I grow up.. I want to have an eating disorder" I sighed, half to myself, not at all aware that I already had a full blown eating disorder in the form of anorexia ("atypical" because that's what they call it when you're an anorexic who's fat). I wanted a "better" eating disorder. Where I could go months on end eating nothing at all. Part of me wanted to waste away and die. Most of me just wanted to be thin and desirable and I thought an eating disorder would achieve that because nothing else had.

M started crying and her friend, J, swooped in to comfort her, angrily snapping at me "you can't just say things like that!". I stuttered an apology, saying I didn't know it would cause that kind of reaction.

The issue that I want to discuss here- is that the tears and the anger were not for a 15 year old girl who longed for anorexia, but because of a celebrity that no one in that class had known personally. Now, I'm not saying that you can't be upset or grieve when a treasured celebrity dies or struggles with something. But I do want to make it clear that no one showed one bit of concern, compassion, or pity, that a young girl would strive to have an eating disorder,would make it a goal.

Do you understand what I'm saying here? I wanted an eating disorder. On purpose. On purpose. And no one cared or tried to help me.

Often, when fat people have eating disorders, we're patted on the back, told to "keep doing what you're doing", and praised for trying to do the right thing- which is to be smaller. The experiences of thin people with eating disorders and those of fat people with eating disorders are very different. You may have guessed, but neither M nor J were fat. They were squarely in thin territory and probably had never considered that fat people, especially fat kids, almost constantly hurt, and are bullied and abused relentlessly. It's really no wonder that I was hoping for the "willpower" to restrict even more. Both needing to be thin and needing people to hear and see my pain.

Thin people are often so oblivious to the struggles and oppression of fat people, that such disturbing information is only disturbing coming from a thin person. Coming from me- the fat girl in class- it just highlighted and centered thin people. We can't even talk about our own hurt and trauma without it being about thin people.

I never received any kind of emotional support or medical care for my eating disorder, even though I'd go weeks without eating anything at all, often could not stand- getting dizzy just from getting out of my chair, was using and abusing ephedra (a diet product now banned in the US) to get through the day, exercising for hours every day, and made comments like the one above. A thin kid doing these things would have received treatment.

Given that young girls and femmes who are or perceive themselves to fat are the most at risk group for eating disorders, we are hugely failing these kids. Boys and masc kids are becoming more at risk in general too- again, specifically among those who are or perceive themselves to be fat.

We, as a society, have taken a disease that has the highest death rate of any mental illness, anorexia, and glorified it. We've made it something that little kids dream about being able to "accomplish" some day- like it's a shiny trophy with "first place skinny" marked on it.

People want to talk about glorifying "obesity"?  At least fat people survive. Even if you believed the nonsense about fatness increasing risk for other illnesses, we're still living into our 60's, 70's, 80's, and beyond. We have children as young as 8 being treated for EDs.. we have children, children, dying. Being put in the ground because of eating disorders.

Why are we allowing this? Why is there no information or outrage over the epidemic of body hate? Why? Because you can't profit from people having self esteem.

You can't profit from people having self esteem.

It's time to take back our power and stop trying to kill ourselves for perceived beauty. They don't care if you die as long as they're raking in the dough at the end of the day. We have to understand that we are more important than capitalism. We are more important than some rich dude getting richer. We are just plain important. 

Being Fat During Hurricane Florence

This past weekend, Hurricane Florence swept through my state, creating panic and destruction. I'm a few hours inland, but the path of the hurricane was expected to go right through my city before, last minute, dipping south and going around us. We got some flooding, some power outages, but it was nothing like it was predicted to be- thank goodness!

In the week leading up to the hurricane making landfall, I was a busy busy bee. I'm what I call a practical prepper -not end of the world zombie apocalypse prepper, but i know shit goes bad prepper. So I already had bug-out bags ready, a comprehensive first aid kit, two weeks worth of meds packed, and lots of water. That didn't stop me from running myself sick trying to prepare for loss of power, loss of water, and possible evacuation for myself, my family, and my companion animals.

But the reason I'm such an anxiety ridden prepper who needs to know exactly what could happen in every possible situation? Because I'm fat. Being trapped and unable to be rescued is one of my greatest fears. It's the core of my agoraphobia as well as claustrophobia. Getting stuck. Rescuers being unable to lift me. It's horrifying.

I think back to Hurricane Katrina and stories of fat patients being left to die in hospitals because they were "too much trouble" to move safely. As someone who's also disabled, I'm convinced that I will die in any major cataclysmic event.  So, despite being really well prepared for anything that could happen, I was terrified. I was having daily panic attacks, the anxiety triggered a mast cell disease flare as well as a fibromyalgia flare, both of which added to my panic (how could I be rescued when I was having anaphylactic reactions to everything?!)

This goes beyond the fear of not fitting in a movie theater seat or airplane seat (very real fears!). I'm afraid of dying. Not because fat is an illness or because fat causes medical problems that will kill me.. it's not and it won't. I'm afraid for my life because of the negligence of people in a society who demonize fat to such a degree that our lives are forfeit , unimportant. Worse, I'm afraid that my family's lives are in danger because of fatphobia. Is my son less likely to be rescued because they don't want to bother with a family that includes a fat woman? Will he have to watch them leave me behind?

At this point, eight years into fat activism, I feel like most of the things we think about are obvious (to me at least), but when you're forced to really confront how deep it goes, how far reaching the danger, and how horrific the potential deaths, it's easy for someone with a panic disorder to really freak the fuck out.

During Katrina, there were three specific patients who were killed rather than evacuated, due to weight. One, Janine Burgess, was suffering from end stage cancer and nurses justified giving her  a lethal dosage of morphine because she may otherwise become conscious (she was sedated to the point of unconsciousness) and, without proper medical care, would suffer greatly. Did they evacuate other end stage cancer patients?

Also, there was Rodney Scott, He was chosen to be the last to be evacuated due to his weight, combined with being paralyzed and unable to walk . While he was successfully evacuated, his life was prioritized as the least important of patients needing evacuation.

Lastly was Emmett Everett, a man who begged medical staff , multiple times, to not leave him behind. He knew what was going on. His roommate had already been evacuated. a man who was awake, aware, ready to evacuate, and in good spirits. He even graciously told the doctors to evacuate others ahead of him. In the end, he was deemed too heavy to be moved at 380lbs. Emergency personnel have said they could have evacuated Everett, but were never even told he was there. Nurses told Everett that they'd give him something to help with dizziness he was experiencing. Instead they gave him a deadly dose of morphine and midazolam (a sedative).

Emmett Everett was murdered- straight up murdered- because staff didn't want to deal with him. They didn't even try. And no one was prosecuted for his death or the death of Janine Burgess. The limit for who they deemed unworthy of saving seemed to be "300lbs". I am 305lbs.

Is it any wonder that I worry? I should. Sometimes anxiety is unfounded and creates a mountain out of a mole hill. This is not a mole hill, it is a monstrous mountain that we keep being too afraid to look at or acknowledge.

The obvious answer to this is to actually think of fat people as people. To prepare for evacuating us and having life saving policies in place for us. It's not impossible, it's not even all that difficult. The issue is simply that no one cares enough to put in the small amount of effort it would take.

I made it through Florence without being hurt or stranded at all, but the future is always uncertain. My life will always be uncertain.

ASDAH Conference- Dr. Bacon (and the inner turmoil of ally cookies)

Although the first day of the conference was spent in my room, recovering from an anaphylactic reaction to perfume, I was able to make the second half of Saturday's speakers! I was able to get there just in time to see Dr. Bacon's talk. When I ran into Dr. Bacon as I entered the conference center on Friday, I squeaked and covered my mouth like a kid meeting their favorite Disney character. A good way to start out embarrassing myself! But after Dr. Bacon's talk, I felt even more lucky to just be in the same building!  Here's what Dr. Bacon did right:

We all know that Dr. Bacon wrote the groundbreaking book Health at Every Size, which is now a decade old. For many of us struggling with the scientific reasoning that people used to justify fatphobia, especially in the medical field, this book saved lives, and continues to do so. It gave us ammo to be able to say "no, i'm not automatically unhealthy because of my size, and I deserve proper medical care". It was page after page, chapter after chapter, of studies that we had never heard of. That most people had never heard of! For a science nerd like me, it was a revelation and made me an instant convert to intuitive eating and the HAES model.

BUT

A good bit of Dr. Bacon's talk on Saturday included what was wrong with that book. In Health at Every Size, there was a heavy focus on changing behaviors to change health outcomes, rather than focusing on body size, shape, or composition, which is most common in the medical field. Here's the thing Dr. Bacon realized though- Intuitive eating and behavior based health focus doesn't work for everyone. An example used was that if someone had an abundance of free food from the fast food place they worked, but couldn't take it home and had little or no access to food at home, then listening to hunger and fullness cues would not be the healthiest practice. Loading up on food to keep them going until the next work day is what would be appropriate.

I remember very clearly, after reading HAES, paraphrasing parts of the book by saying that no one would eat twinkies forever. Eventually you get tired of twinkies and your smart body craves a salad. This is what's wrong with the original book. Some people will always love twinkies and hate salads and we have to realize that that's okay. (And hey, fat and thin people can like both or either).Dr. Bacon, on Saturday, said that only about 10% of health outcomes are really effected by "lifestyle" and behavior and that this number is already readily accepted and agreed upon by people in the research field of health.

What's really impacting our health outcomes? So many things! From genetics, to stress in the womb, to how polluted your city's air is, to  what's in the food that you eat (hormones, antibiotics, mercury, etc), to food insecurity, to dieting... gosh I could go on and on! It's amazing how many things, how our experience, effect our bodies temporarily and permanently. It seems like every day we're discovering that something we thought was safe isn't, and something we thought wasn't safe is. College humor said it well in their Plasticine Diet bit when they said "health science notoriously unscientific!".

There was so much more that was talked about, but I'll never get to it all here! So Dr. Bacon talked about all this and acknowledged the problematic parts of the first book, as well as talking about Body Respect, Co-Authored with Lucy Aphramor in 2014. When Dr. Bacon was praised afterwards, many people clapped- including myself- and Dr. Bacon pointed out the disturbing fact that a thin, white, person was gaining so much praise at a conference meant to highlight marginalized fat people. And there was absolute truth to that.

Because then come the cookies...

And here I find myself in a tough spot. Dr. Bacon is right... we talk all the time in activist circles about allies performing for ally cookies. Basically doing the right thing for praise rather than doing the right thing because it's, you know, the right thing. We are so amazed, so enamored, by a thin person who isn't awful to us, that we don't even know how to act other than with abject praise and deafening applause.

I'm very glad that Dr. Bacon recognized and pointed this out. All that praise was unwanted and
undeserved given the huge amount of privilege that allowed Dr. Bacon to get to where they are today. To have three graduate degrees, to have been published, well received, to become a public speaker, to have their word taken as fact with credibility behind it. That takes privilege folx. And Dr. Bacon acknowledged every bit of it. And I feel so grateful that someone would do such an amazing, but basic, thing to help us.

Where are we at that a thin person being kind to us is so overwhelming that we treat them like royalty? We can't necessarily help our feelings. I feel grateful, I feel near tears, I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness. The question, I guess, Is what will I do with those feelings? How will I channel that back into the Fat Liberation movement to make it better tomorrow? Dr Bacon's talk gave me a lot to think about (and boy did I take a lot of notes), but the Dr's willingness to step aside and not take credit gave me even more to think about it. I hope, some day, that Dr. Bacon and I can have an actual one on one talk because I truly value what they have to say... and I'm interested to see where these cookies go.

ASDAH Conference- The Healing Of Not Being Afraid

I just woke up in my own bed for the first time in almost a week and boy am I glad to be home! I spent the weekend across the country, in Portland OR, as the Association of Size Diversity and Health 2018 conference. It was my first conference, not just with ASDAH, but any conference. I was excited, bright eyed, bushy tailed, and too sick to attend most of it.

Unfortunately, I was brokenhearted after having to leave only a few minutes after the first keynote speaker. I had an anaphylactic reaction to something and was in and out of the ER the whole weekend. The good news is that I met a local fattie who wasn't attending the conference, but had volunteered to hang out with me while I was in town. Now I have a Portland bestie!

A whole weekend with swollen throat tissue was not fun. It's like having something stuck in your throat while being choked at the same time. Worse, it made it hard to enjoy the overwhelming amount of vegan food available in Portland! (I did, however, go to Doe Donuts.. which was amazing! A good alternative so that you never have to step foot in Voodoo Doughnuts- known for it's sugary doughnuts and racism).

But, the weekend was not lost, even though it seemed so at first!

I attended the pre-conference talk on fat as a social justice issues, lead by  Nancy Ellis-Ordway PhD MSW, and Rachel Smith MA LPC NCC CACII RYT 500. And no, I don't know what most of those lettters or numbers mean. 

We started out by getting used to saying "fat" out loud. What? I've said "fat" out loud more than I have just about any other word. I use fat daily, I write about fat, I tweet and go on facebook rants about"fat"!  So there I was, in a room full of people, almost all of them fat, saying this word out loud. It was revolutionary.

Sure I use the word "fat" a lot, but it's always within the context of being in a fatphobic culture or even talking directly with a fatphobic person or group of people. Being able to say it, out loud, with other fat people who are there to LOVE the word and your body and their bodies... it was so much different than the defensive and activist way that I usually use the word. I was slightly blushing at saying it out loud, I was buzzing and beaming!

That was all I got to participate in on Friday, of course. After the mast cell reaction, my mood plummeted, exacerbated by the vegan options at lunch actually not existing and being asked if i could just eat lettuce and sliced tomatoes. A terrible thing to ask in a conference full of people who have been told our whole lives to just eat lettuce and sliced tomatoes, especially for those of us with eating disorder histories.

But let's get past that and onto the two talks I was able to attend Saturday! I was able to attend the keynote talk by Dr. Bacon, author of Health at Every Size, and co-author with  Lucy Aphramor  of Body Respect, and who has a new book coming out, hopefully next year. This talk was amazing and I felt lucky to be in the same city as Dr. Bacon, let alone the same room. Though Dr. Bacon had many criticisms of Health at Every Size, that's what made being there so wonderful. Weaving in personal stories with explanations of overlapping privilege, and adding that a thin, white, person being applauded for being decent was problematic, created an overwhelming atmosphere where I wanted to give this person all the activist cookies in the world, while completely agreeing that privileged people treating marginalized folx with respect isn't a cookie-worthy act.

I don't think there's a way to describe the feeling of hearing the best thin ally I've ever encountered, honestly and genuinely not want applauds and thanks for being an ally. And Dr. Bacon is right.. the fact that I want, so badly, to gush and beam over a thin person not hating me, is a very real problem.

The next talk that I was able to attend was by Mäks Roßmöller (pronounced "Max"), a somatic therapist from Germany who has created the #Reframefatreclaimmovement (Reclaim fat Reclaim Movement). I'll be honest, this was my absolute most favorite talk. Their website is in German, but if you speak German or know someone who would benefit, pass it along! At one point in the talk, Mäks explained that fat often exists in the body to protect things that are delicate and precious, such as the eyeballs or inner organs which are surrounded by fat for protection. 

Then they said the most amazing thing that I have ever heard in my history of being involved in Fat Liberation: "What if fat forms on my body because it is precious?". In that moment, with my eyes closed, my hands on my belly, feeling it move and shift as I breathed in and out, I felt gutted in the best possible way. So much of the Fat Liberation community is about undoing harmful stereotypes around fat. About accepting these fat bodies that most of the world hates so much. But this... this was a complete re-framing for me. It wasn't about being defensive, it wasn't about proving people wrong, it wasn't about educating other people on my own humanity.... it was about the elegant and delicate beauty of fat, of being fat. My life is changed because of this talk. If you have a chance to attend one of their workshops please do it! 

The the information was scientific, compassionate, innovative, and mind blowing. They talked about the ways in which the body biologically stores trauma. 

An example which was both simple and likely relate-able to almost all fat people, was simply the act of sucking in your stomach for decades which makes learning to belly-breathe difficult and even painful. For me, it is so painful to take deep breaths, that I'm terrified of yawning. They also talked about fat as this living entity, with a liveliness, in constant movement. They defined Soma (as in somatic therapist) as "the living body in it's wholeness". And this was only a tiny portion of what was talked about. I can't even explain the depth of which this talk touched me.

Whew! And finally, I was able to attend the keynote talk by Substantia Jones about representation of fat through photography. She's such a real and genuine person, easy to get along with and laugh with, and the same was true through her talk, which features the photography of people like Patricia Schwartz, Laura Aguilar, Catherine Oakson, Lauri Toby Eddison, and, of course, Substantia herself. As the photographer for The Fat Naked Art Project, this talk was deeply interesting and it was so amazing to see the work of so many photographers who came before me. I can only hope to make a fraction of the impact that these people made.

The conference also included a couple of performances such as "What I learned From Fat People On An Airplane" by Kimberly Dark. If you've seen any parts of this online then you know what an amazing story teller Kimberly is... but it's nothing compared to seeing her in person!

Overall, the conference was a struggle. I missed most of it, was uncomfortable and sick the whole time, at times felt hopeless about how I can even keep living with these illnesses, and, at the same time, an amazing, uplifting, reinvigorating experience that I will never forget. I crave more and I feel like the activist burn-out I've been experiencing for a while is gone. I'm ready. I'm willing. And I'm ready to jump back in to this amazing community. I can't explain the amazing feeling or being around hundreds of strangers... and not having to be afraid. 

I'm Back And Ready To Rumble

      Hi there world. Hi followers- those of you that are left after a two year hiatus from me. If you're wondering what happened? Well- I'm sick. Really sick actually. In the last three years, I've been diagnosed with over a dozen different illnesses both physical and mental, some of which can be deadly and, most, thanks to a genetic connective tissue disorder. I'll be posting a page at the top of this blog that outlines some of the major illnesses and disorders that I have.

      I've spent the last couple of years seeing doctor after doctor, getting treatment for various things. I have over a dozen specialists from a neurosurgeon to cardiologist to psychiatrist. I stopped modeling, I stopped being a photographer, I couldn't leave the house without a large first aid kit and a mask on my face. I've had to give in and get a permanent handicap placard for my car, as well as a wheelchair that I use part time on bad days when I can't walk for more than a few feet without passing out or being in pain.

      All of this has sucked- big time. I've struggled with depression and spent a lot of time wondering if this was what the rest of my life was going to be like. I'd hoped to feel relief in getting answers, but only ended up worse and worse and I realized all of these things are life long and have no cure- and barely any treatments.

      BUT, after two years, I finally picked my camera up again for the return of The Fat Naked Art Project and I'm finally figuring out the steps I need to take in order to function and be happy. Editing those photos felt GOOD and, in a low histamine environment, I was able to do more than I've been able to in a long time. (needing Low Histamine= mast cell disease) I'm back and ready to rumble. I'm ready to take on fat liberation issues because, goodness knows, there are still plenty of instances of oppression that need to be talked about. I'm even setting up a shoot which I'll be modeling in.

      So I hope you're looking forward to some more content because I've got it for you! Stay tuned and don't touch that dial!

Sex and Prejudice; The Intertwining of Bigotry and Attraction

"I even know thin "allies" who exclusively date and sleep with other thin people under the guise of "it's just a preference!" or "I just haven't found a fat person I'm attracted to yet". Guess what? We make up 2/3 of the population in the United States, but you haven't seen a single fat person who is attractive and willing to sleep with you? Give me a break. "

That quote appeared in my last post while discussing fatphobia in intersectional vegan spaces and intersectional spaces in general. I posted it in several intersectional vegan groups and, while people agreed with most of the article, there were several people who came out with excuses for their lack of attraction to fat people. It appears that the above quote, needs some explaining.

These are some of the reactions that I got:

"Romantic/Sexual attraction can't be controlled"
"Not being attracted to fat people doesn't make me fatphobic!"
"What if POC are only attracted to other same POC? Is that racist then?"
"Then lesbians are misandrists for not being attracted to men!"
"Asexuals are racist, sexist, fatphobic, etc for not being attracted to anyone!"
"Guilting people into having sex with people they aren't attracted to is problematic/oppressive"

Oh man, where to even start with these! I guess, from the top.

The idea that attraction is innate is false. With the exception of sexuality (which is more fluid than people think), who we are and aren't attracted to is something that's been drilled into our heads since we could understand human language- maybe even before as we witnessed relationship dynamics around us. Studies show that children as young as 3 already express bias and prejudice in who they want to be friends with. This has been demonstrated with both skin color and body size and it's not because children are born racist or fatphobic, it's that they are taught to prefer one thing over another. In other word, yes, attraction can be controlled. It is controlled, just not by you.

 Don't get me wrong, attraction is deeply socially ingrained and conditioned and it's not an easy thing to change, but it is possible to change because it's not a product of our biology, it's a product of social conditioning. Working through prejudices and biases can absolutely change who you're attracted to. Your attraction is greatly influenced by social beauty norms- this is one reason why different bodies were considered attractive at different points in time- because the beauty ideal changes based on social factors.

What is learned can be unlearned. Isn't that a lot of what intersectionality and allyship is about? Unpacking our previously held prejudices and understanding our own privilege as well as how oppression intersects across marginalized groups? Well guess what- fat people are a marginalized group and you don't get to just dismiss all of us. We're incredibly varied individuals. Maybe you're not attracted to all fat people- no one is attracted to literally everyone- but to say that no fat person could ever pique your interest is fatphobic at it's core.

So yes, not being attracted to fat people, any fat people ever, is indeed fatphobic. It shows that you see us as nothing but our fat, nothing but our bodies. It's not only fatphobic, it's also objectifying and dehumanizing. You have reduced us to our bodies and deemed them unworthy. What's more, you, as the thin privileged, don't get to decide what is or isn't oppressive or problematic when talking about fat people- we do. The voices of the marginalized will trump your privileged voices every time. Your job, as an ally, is to listen, internalize what we've said, and to work towards changing the attitudes that we've called out.

It's interesting that the white, cishet, male, poster decided to bring POC into the argument. As I pointed out in the last post, people who are fatphobic often have other prejudices they're hiding. This was no different. Here's the first thing you need to know: POC can't be racist. Racism requires a power over someone else on a systemic level that people of color just don't have. POC can, however, be biased and prejudiced (this is not the same thing as racism). If a POC doesn't want to date or sleep with their oppressor (white people) then that's fine. In that case, it's less about skin color and more about the people who are enacting violence against you every day. In the same way, I could refuse to date thin people because their privilege makes it harder to relate and, at some point, they're going to say or do something bigoted against me. Should I have to put up with oppression from the people I love and who are supposed to love me? I don't think so. But, let's be clear, marginalized folk refusing to sleep with their oppressors is not the same as the privileged refusing to allow attraction to the marginalized.

Speaking of dragging other marginalized people into it, it's again interesting that we couldn't just talk about fat people- now we have to drag queer people into it. Specifically monosexual queer people. Is it misandrist for lesbians to only date women? Well no. Firstly because misandry isn't real. Not anymore than "straight oppression"or "reverse racism" is real. As I explained above- oppression takes an element of systemic power that oppressed people just don't have. Women just can't be sexist against men.

But I get what you're asking- what you're really asking is if sexual orientation is a choice or socially conditioned the way thin preference is. The answer is a little complicated since a lot of people fall within the gray area of sexual attraction- the largest portion of the LGBT community, for example, are bisexuals who can absolutely choose who they want to date and sleep with. I would not blame a bisexual woman at all if she chose to not sleep with men (her oppressors), but, we've already talked about that. Strictly monosexual women are born with their sexualities already intact. If we're talking about social conditioning- we condition our children for straightness, not queerness. Sexual orientation is something we're all born with. Fatphobia isn't. And, may I just say, it's super shitty to try to compare queerness to socially conditioned preferences.

After discussing this- do I really need to go into the "asexuals are racist" argument? Innate sexuality vs conditioned preferences.. can we move on now?

But really, bottom line, can you not drag other marginalized people into the discussion? It derails the actual conversation and does a disservice to those people who deserve their own opportunity to talk and have their voices heard.

The last one was a big one for me because this person was trying to reverse the blame by implying I'm the problematic one. This is a tactic often used by abusers in interpersonal relationships. It's like saying "It's your fault I hurt you, you shouldn't have made me mad!" Reversing the responsibility is manipulative at best as well as a straight out refusal to recognize your own privilege and prejudices.

Yes, guilting people into having sex with someone, for ANY reason, is not okay. In fact, that's not even sex, that's rape. But that's not what we're talking about here. No one is forcing anyone to sleep with someone they're not attracted to. What we're arguing here is that if you weren't fatphobic, you would experience a wider variety of attraction, including to fat people. We're not saying to sleep with people you aren't attracted to, we're saying to sleep with people you ARE attracted to and that that attraction, free from prejudice, includes fat people. Excluding any entire marginalized group, outside of sexual orientation, as a possible partner will always be problematic.

Honestly, the amount of fatphobia that I experienced across the three groups that my last piece was posted proves my point about intersectional vegans or even just intersectional people in general. Many aren't actually intersectional. I also want to point out, in the same threads, I witnessed ableism, tone policing, racism and sexism. (I was actually told that my style of writing was "too dominant" and that I could make my point by being "less dominant"- tone policing and sexism all in one!). I do want to take a moment to thank the admins in each group who stepped in to shut the problematic people down- in one case the admins had to actually turn commenting off because it was getting so awful and out of hand.

So, if you claim to be intersectional, I suggest you start unpacking some shit and letting your bigotry go. Being intersectional means always striving to improve yourself and how you interact with marginalized people and communities. I expect better from you, starting right now.

I will be taking questions in the comments, which may end up on a future post.

Intersectional Vegans: Search for a Community That Doesn't Exist

Fat.

Fat is something that pretty much everyone talks about. The discussion is almost always centered
around how not to be fat with the occasional fat acceptance blurb thrown in there before promptly being smashed and strangled out of existence. Fat acceptance is a stain on intersectional politics.
Even the most intersectional among us tend to be fatphobic, especially thin intersectional identified people. Let's be honest here, fatphobia crosses political lines. It doesn't matter how conservative or how progressive you are, you're probably fatphobic. You may even consider yourself to be an ally to be fat people and the fat acceptance movement, but when is the last time you called out fatphobia, posted an article on fatphobia, brought it up in a group, raised up the voices of fat people, or even made a simple post on social media denouncing fatphobia. Where are you allies when I'm fighting trolls telling me to get cancer and die or to kill myself and make the world a better place. You're probably focused on some intersectional issue - any intersectional issue- except for mine.

Don't get me wrong here, other intersectional issues are important- ableism, sexism, racism, queerphobia, transphobia, etc. But, I think, what you fail to realize, is that fatphobia intersects with each and everone one of those things. Intersections- I mean, that's what you thrive on. Looking at overlapping oppression and seeing the individual struggles that marginalized people face because of it. Unless that person is fat.

If you're not flat out fatphobic, I'm surprised, but what's far more common are people who claim to be allies, but don't actually care about fatphobia or thin privilege. You may pay lip service to your own thin privilege, but that's as far as you're willing to go. I even know thin "allies" who exclusively date and sleep with other thin people under the guise of "it's just a preference!" or "I just haven't found a fat person I'm attracted to yet". Guess what? We make up 2/3 of the population in the United States, but you haven't seen a single fat person who is attractive and willing to sleep with you? Give me a break.

Getting back to how fatphobia crosses political lines, I'd like to talk a little bit about fatphobia in the vegan movement. I think we all know by now, that vegans can be some of the most fatphobic people in the world. Veganism, even veganism properly focused on non human animal rights and liberation, has a vein of healthism running through it, which hugely intersects with fatphobia. The idea that veganism is healthiest when eating a plant based diet and that that will result in thinness as well as lack of health issues.

I'm pretty sure that I haven't met a single vegan yet who hasn't said something shitty to me about my body size (even if they've grown over time by knowing me and become a better ally). And those who haven't said anything shitty, well, their actions speak  loudest. Vegans often pride themselves on being progressive and intersectional, even as sexism, racism, fatphobia, and healthism flourish within the community. Even then, there are many groups which specifically were established to fight racism and sexism in mainstream veganism. Fatphobia is rarely, if ever, a part of their mission statement as something to resist or fight against.

I'm not even necessarily upset by mainstream vegans who engage in all kinds of bigotry. I'm upset at those vegans who think they are above those problems, that bigotry. Vegans who are intersectional, feminist, and anti racism. Vegans who talk about classism and accessibility, and then sideeye you when you are fat and not ashamed of it or actively tring to lose weight. Vegans who schedule meetings and social activities in places that you don't fit or belong. Vegans who talk about cleanses and green smoothies and how, not that size is important, but, they've lost 5lbs already.

As an intersectional feminist and a fat vegan, I'd love to say that I've found a communit who shares my ideals. I have not. I feel outside of every group or community that I am a part of and find myself leaving those communities with regularity.

Vegans: you need to do better. You need to be better. You need to talk about fatphobia and issues surrounding fatphobia. You need to talk about the oppressions that intersect with fatphobia and you need to acknowledge our privilege. Be an ally. No.. be a good  ally. Examnine your prejudices and biases and come out a better person for it.

I'm tired of standing alone.

Fatphobia, Ableism, and the Thin Privilege Voice

Years ago, I posted a video on youtube. I had seen a sign for a child's fat camp (weight loss program) and it pissed me off. I pulled into the next parking lot, walked, and took the sign, throwing it into into my trunk. Once home, I spray painted it to read "Give the gift of no diets", as it was near Christmas time. I literally received thousands of comments (they were moderated and never made it onto the actual video). They ranged anywhere from death and rape threats, to name calling, to vague future health threats, and even accusations of being a terrorist. I'm not kidding- a terrorist. Because, as their logic went, I was engaging in the mass killings of fat children by wanting them to remain fat. Interesting how twisted a fatphobe's logic is considering that fatphobia and stigma kill fat more children than fat ever has.

Still, the number one comments I got were on m breathing- heavy breathing specifically. The trolls took this as proof that I was too fat and needed to exercise and lose weight.

I have a condition, as some of you know already, called POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). It means that as my posture changes, from lying to standing, my heart rate increases by at least 30 beats per minute, usually causing tachycardia (a heart rate of over 100). A normal heart rate for a woman my age is 60-100bpm. My standing heart rate is about 20-40 over that just from standing up.  Even mild exercise can make my heart go through the roof. Walking gently and leisurely can raise my HR up to almost 200bpm, which is the same predicted heart rate of a woman my age who is engaging in extreme exercise and is the maximum rate a heart should go. So, for me, walking slowly on even ground, is about the same as running a marathon for someone else. Have you ever seen someone run a marathon and not get winded? Yeah, me neither. (Oh, did I mention that fainting is included for someone with POTS? So pushing myself to exercise as my heart rate pushes 200 is very dangerous).

But that's not the kicker. People were observing that a light stroll shouldn't make a person breath so heavily. They were correct. But, the didn't account for illnesses which cause heavy breathing, especially in bitter cold weather. (For example, I could just as likely have had asthma, a much more common breathing issue than POTS.) I'm not saying any of this to justify myself or be the "good fatty" because fuck that. It's simply a bit of backstory.

Still, after about 4K comments or so, I posted a small comment about this condition. The response? The called bullshit. Suddenly all of those trolls were medical doctors. Comments ranged from trying to explain POTS to me (poorly), as to say it doesn't cause breathing issues, or people flat out saying I was lying about the condition.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

I have a list of medical diagnoses which numbers slightly less than two dozen. Several of which cause weight gain and other symptoms include exercise intolerance, heat intolerance, chronic pain (my joints don't hurt because I'm fat, the hurt because I'm a chronic illness patient), and so much more.

My point is this: when you're fat, people ignore you when you say you're sick. Unless you have a stereotypical "fattie" illness like heart disease or diabetes, then you're truthful, but deserve your illnesses. You're especially lying if you have thyroid disease or any other illnesses that create symptoms they'd  rather mock someone for. When you're fat, you're only allowed to be sick in the was that are deemed fatty acceptable. If you say you don't have those issues then you're lying. If you say you have other "non fat" issues, then you're lying. Fatphobia is inherently ableist (as well as misognistic which I've discussed before). Remember that when fat people die of heart disease, they died of being fat and the had it coming. When thin people die of heart disease it was a fight, a struggle that they lost, a tragedy.

Where does the thin privilege come in? Easy, if a thin person said they had any of the illnesses I have, they'd be believed, listened to, given sympathy, and get treatment and care by medical professionals. The same people accusing me of lying would be signing petitions for POTS research for thin people.

Thin people who consider themselves allies are in the position where the can use their voices to educate fatphobes- because they'll be listened to. Not always, maybe not even most of the time, but more than us fatties could ever hope to be listened to. Here, it gets iffy though. Because thin people should never speak over fat people, and yet their voices hold more power, more sway. Thin allies have to figure out was to speak for us, without speaking over us, and lifting up the voices of fat people in the process. I know, being an ally isn 't easy. But know what's even harder? Being fat. Add being a disabled woman on top of being fat and it's not an easy life. Just look at all of the health issues that chronic stress can cause- from joint pain to increased risk of heart attack and stroke.

I know this post is long and you maybe didn't want to hear about my chronic illnesses. You wanted some in-your-face truths about fatphobia and thin privilege and ableism. But the truth is that I'm tired. I'm worn out from being attacked ever day and not being able to defend myself and having no one come to my defense.

You, my thin privileged friends, are lacking in your responsibilities. I want to say that I expect more from you, but I don't. I expect to fight this fight either alone or alongside other fatties. But hey, I wouldn't mind being surprised once in a while either.

Here's my point, one type of bigotry almost never shows up to the party by itself. It brings friends. Fatphobia can often intersect with pretty much any other tpe of oppression. Fatphobia is not a single thing, by itself. This is why I feel weird when someone expresses fatphobic ideas and beliefs. I know that is not the only type of bigotry lurking. And fatphobia affects people on both sides of the political spectrum- so if your oh-so-progressive friend with privilege coming out of his ears decides to say something fatphobic, be assured that they are not the feminist the claim to be, they are not intersectional, as they claim to be, etc. And when they talk about intersectional issues, but don't mention fatphobia- be wary, be suspicious. And hey- call them out. That's your job now, okay?

Skinny people, I see you: Taking up space where you shouldn't and what to do about it

Two photos side by side of a light skinned fat woman with medium

length pink hair in a black top with greenery in the background.

The right picture shows the woman after the photo was put through

facial improvement software, making her face and nose slimmer as

well as making her eyes more symmetrical and larger and her lips

plumper.

I see you skinny people. I see you struggling. I see your self confidence issues. I see you hiding your
stomach in a one piece bathing suit because you're too afraid of a bikini. I know that self loathing body issues are not exempt for you. I know that fatphobia affects you.

Now let's talk about what else I see and don't see. I don't see you sticking up for me, the fattie. I see you occupying space in fat acceptance instead of raising up the voices of fat people and allowing us the space you occupy. I don't see you trying to change fat oppression. I do see you trying to change "skinny shaming" though. I see you equating "skinny shaming" and fat oppression as if hurt feelings are the same thing as dead children. I see you screaming for yourself, but not for me. I don't see you in my social media posts where I have to defend myself against fatphobes with no allies to help me. I see you subtly contributing to fatphobia and then crying "but I'm an ally!" when called out on it. I see you asking me to educate you on my oppression, but I don't see you trying to educate yourself. I see you, right now, about to type "not all skinny people!" to defend yourself instead of reaching out to your fellow skinnies and helping end my oppression.

Here's the thing, asking you to help end my oppression does not discount your experiences or suffering at the hands of fatphobia and the patriarchy. All it says is that, in this particular instance, fat people are suffering more than skinny people when it comes to fatphobia. In the same way, the patriarchy informs toxic masculinity which affects men negatively, but it's going to, by definition, affect women and femme presenting people more.

Regardless of how fatphobia bleeds over onto you, remember that it's targeted at me. You still hold power over fat people and have privilege in a world that favors you over us. I know it's not a power you asked for. It may not even be a power you want, and I get that. I have privileges too. Hell, I even have relative thin privilege compared to people who are fatter than I am. Being a size 22/3x, I can buy a lot of clothes that just don't exist in a 4x or larger. I can fit some places that people larger than me can't (like airplane seats and certain chairs, and even medical equipment), I can, mostly, be left alone in public depending on where I am, and I see people, however rarely, who represent me. These are all things that give me some privilege because privilege exists on a sliding scale. Thin people, have all these and more, including important ones that can mean life or death (such as having a doctor take your illnesses seriously).

Basically, it doesn't matter how badly you feel about your body, you're still the oppressor. I'm still the oppressed. I have the right to be angry at you, regardless of your personal issues, I have the right to express that anger, I have the right to have access to fat only spaces and to insist that you don't get to be a part of it.

Mostly though, your job as an ally is to always be learning, always doing better, and always taking pressure off of my shoulders. Your job is to educate other thin people (people with internalized fatphobia you don't need to deal with because you can't police how someone deals with oppression- even if those ways are shitty and oppresses other fat people). So next time your facebook friend posts a fatphobic meme or comment, try educating them, posing links to information and posts from fat people. When a fat person speaks, don't be so quick to jump in with your experiences- try just supporting your fat friend and quietly being there for them. Don't ask us to educate you, but rather, when you don't understand something, or have questions, ask a group dedicated to intersectionality and education or google articles or posts by fat people. Remember too that you can take all of the rules of allyship in an intersectional setting and apply it to fat acceptance and fat liberation.

Ally is not an identity, it's not a title that you get once and you're done. It's an ongoing, organic, thing that takes emotional labor and mental effort on your part. The emotional labor and mental effort that I put in is on a daily, hourly, and even minute by minute basis. Please take some of that from me. I see you, and want you to know that I see you (all day, every day, whether I want to or not), so please.. see me as well. Because my suffering is made invisible, but you can do something about that.

Happy 30's

It's a question that's been buzzing around in my mind for a while now. Am I too old for this? Am I too burnt out? Am I too... something? Maybe something that I can't describe, but something nonetheless? I know a lot of you are pounding fists on the table demanding to see more photos, demanding more meaningful text posts, demanding an update, demanding content- any content!

The content that you demand has been sparse, if non existent these last few months. I've done all of three photoshoots in the entire first half of this year, but I haven't been idle. I've been a busy bee behind the camera. I've had several shoots for The Fat Naked Art Project (on blogger and tumblr) and I'm keeping pretty busy with other types of shoots as well, including launching a new site for boudoir photography. Next website to go up? FNAP needs a print store so that you can hang beautiful naked people in your home.

Still, a question begs to be answered: how much more energy do I want to put into modeling and how long can I feasibly keep it up? I've shot with many local photographers and don't have the resources to travel for modeling. Photographers willing to shoot a model of my size are already around unicorn or dragon status in rarity and I fear I may have exhausted my mythological beings resources. (anyone know a stray fairy perhaps?) On top of simply having fewer resources than I did years ago, I've gained weight (giving me even fewer options than I had 20lbs ago) and I've gotten older.

Not that I don't want to still challenge the fatphobia in modeling, and I'd like to challenge the ageism too, I have to admit, that it's more difficult with compounding factors. I'm not going to stop taking opportunities that come my way! But, as you've seen this year, the shoots themselves will likely slow down. That being said, I will try to pick up on my text posts in a meaningful way.

Feel free to send me topics you'd like me to cover, ask for advice you'd like me to answer (publicly if you'll allow), or suggest content you'd like to see.

Eating Disorders and Underrepresented Communities

Today is World Eating Disorders Day, a day to help raise awareness for eating disorders of all kinds, throughout the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who will be ignored on this day. The typical face of eating disorders will be a young, white, very thin, girl, likely with anorexia or possibly bulimia. And yes, these people exist. This post is not meant to deny or invalidate those experiences because they are very real and very deadly. But while people are offering support and resources to these young women and girls, people of color, fat people, men, trans, and nonbinary people fly under most people's radars.

Let's start with the fact that studies show in 6th and 7th grade girls, Hispanics and Asians showed significantly more body dissatisfaction  more, than white girls. Similarly, Native American girls were attempting weight at a greater rate than white girls. Despite the fact that eating disorders are seen as a white person's issue, ED's affect all races in the US at about equal rates.

Another group that's rarely, if ever, talked about, is older people. Yep, you read that right. Eating disorders among older people are on the rise. There's been a steep rise in the increase in body disatisfaction in people past midlife- a 31% rise in the past few decades and we don't even have statistics on this past 1997 (almost a decade ago!). We do know that over a third of outpatient treatment for eating disorders was for people over the age of 30. And, even though weight loss can be harmful, especially as you age, 20% of women who were 70 years or older were actively trying to lose weight.

Boys and men are not only often ignored when it comes to the ED community, but face added stigma in that eating disorders are seen as a feminine quality. There aren't really many statistics on men and eating disorders and more research needs to be done, but we do know that, though eating disorders affect women and girls more often, cases for boys and men are catching up. And there aren't even statistics on boys and men with muscle dysmorphia or "bigorexia", a condition in which someone is obsessed with the idea of getting bigger with muscle.

Sexuality plays a role in this too. For boys and men who were queer, they were significantly more likely to have starved themselves (fasted), used laxatives or diet pills, or vomited to try to lose weight.  Queer teens were also twice as likely to report incidences of binge eating with queer girls and women being twice as likely to binge. (Binge Eating Disorders is another under the radar, stigmatized, ED that we'll talk about later) Keep in mind that we don't even have a vague idea about eating disorders in the trans community. Among trans and non binary people, eating disorders exist, but we don't know how common they are or how their identities play into their eating disorders. We do know that fat is often associated with femininity, especially when it appears in certain spots in the body (such as the hips or chest). Here's a story about a trans man with an eating disorder where his curves made him feel fat and, ultimately, lead to anorexia nervosa.

And, speaking of fat.. let's get onto eating disorders in fat people. We know that being "overweight" or perceived as "overweight" puts you more at risk for an eating disorder. That's right folks, fat people are at a greater risk for eating disorders than thin people. And fatphobia- convincing thin people that they're fat or need to lose weight- puts them at greater risk too. I don't think we can pretend that fatphobia has nothing to do with eating disorders when thinness is often the goal. Wanting to be thin and body dissatisfaction are the most well known risks for eating disorders, and yet, we like to think that fat shaming not only is good for fat people, but doesn't affect thin people. In reality, fatphobia is deadly. Eating disorders are the deadliest mental illness with people with anorexia nervosa having a mortality rate six times higher than the general population which includes suicide. Bulimia also has a high suicide rate and mortality risks for Bulimia and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) were similar to those with anorexia.

We should not that fat people are most often diagnosed with EDNOS and that EDNOS is the most common eating disorder. (Though people with EDNOS can fall anywhere in the weight range from average to fat, they just don't meet the low weight requirements of AN or BN)

Unfortunately, we don't know the suicide rate among those with BED (Binge Eating Disorder) because, let's face it, no one cares. People with BED tend to be fat (Though not all are. You can have BED and be thin) and we don't really care about fat people. Or BED. Binge Eating Disorder is highly stigmatized. If you're thin then the general thought is that eating a lot is cute, adorable. Despite the fact that BED sufferers face extreme emotional distress including guilt, feeling of internalized fatphobia, and self hate. Fat people with BED are thought to just be overeaters who brought their fate on themselves and they could "simply stop eating so much" and they'd be cured.

And please, let's not forget that none of the statistics in this blog cover disordered eating (such as dieting or other methods of weight loss that do not fit the criteria for an eating disorder). When we factor in the percentage of people who are dieting to lose weight, it's clear that eating disorders and disordered eating affect a massive number of people. In adult women, over half say that eating holds no pleasure and they often feel guilty- think about that. Guilt for doing something you have to do to survive, something we've evolved to take pleasure from. Only 20% of women are instinctive (intuitive) eaters, meaning 80% had some kind of disordered eating.

This is a serious public health concern. I know people like to spout off that "obesity is an epidemic!" but this? This is the real epidemic: fatphobia.

So, today as we look at all of the personal stories of people who have struggled with eating disorders or who still struggle, let's remember the marginalized and underrepresented people who struggle as well. Challenge the stereotype and educate people, because ignorance is killing the most vulnerable among us.

Flowers and Pearls

I was completely honored to work with local Burlesque performer Miss Pearl Necklace. Together with photographer Freeman Long we created some beautiful fat positive photos that I absolutely adore!

Just an Update

It's been a while and, yes, I have photos coming for you soon, but not today. Today is just an update day. To let you know what's going on and that I haven't forgotten about you.

I've had my hands full with The Fat Naked Art Project and recently traveled to Atlanta, GA for a shoot. In addition, I have had a few local shoots as well. I've been really busy with my photography in general (and keeping the trolls at bay has been a bit of a hurdle). I'm also hoping to launch a new photo project this year called Body Love Through Struggle which focuses on people who have or have had an eating disorder, particularly marginalized groups who are often under represented in the ED community.

Speaking of- I'm working with an ED organization (I'll tell you who when I can!) to make their org more inclusive and body positive. This includes helping with training videos, a youtube interview, and teaching FA courses at their next conference, just to name a few things.

I'm also adding to the types of fat acceptance classes that I'll be teaching locally. With my Fat Acceptance 101 class being a huge hit, I'm planning a 201 class that deals with fat acceptance and intersectionality more in depth as well as a fat acceptance and children and young teens class and a fat acceptance and eating disorders class. Look at me go!

If you're wondering why I seem to be working on so much right now, it's because I'm newly medicated for Chronic Fatigue. Soon to be medicated for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) as well... then, there will be nothing in this world that can stop me! For so many years I've had such big plans and no energy to make them happen. Now that's all changing and I'm so very thankful to every doctor who helped me. I always thought it was the Thyroid Disease slowing me down, but now, even though I have a list of diagnoses, I finally know what's wrong and why and I can tackle each problem as they come.

Thank you to my entire support system and everyone who's been there for me.

International Women's Day '16

by Lauren Carney

Today is International Women's Day. The history of the day goes back to 1909. International Women's Day included women from all over the world, as a day to recognize the social, cultural, political and economic accomplishments of women while simultaneously calling for women's full equality and rights.

To me, the original inclusion of so many women in this day means that today is also a day for intersectionality. Because this is a blog about fatness, I feel it's appropriate to talk about women's rights and accomplishments in reference to fat acceptance. The fat acceptance movement is as old as 1967 (likely older). For decades fat acceptance groups were separated and relied on word of mouth to spread information. Today, we have the all powerful internet and fat acceptance ideas have spread all over the world and there are blossoming and well established communities all over. Books on the subject are easily accessible and, with third wave fat acceptance, we see the inclusion of intersectional issues. I think these are huge accomplishments.

I'm speaking from a place of both marginalization and privilege because we all exist somewhere on a spectrum. That being said, I'm going to talk about a commonly discussed issue within the fat acceptance movement: how female read people have less privilege than male read people when it comes to the issue of being fat. Because today is also a call to action for women's rights, I want to remind people that women's rights should include all women, including fat women who are often stripped of their femininity, their sexual being, and their humanity (note: I'm not saying that this only happens to fat women. Again, fat and woman is just one intersection of many, but it's the one I know.)

Fat women hold less privilege that fat men. This isn't to say that fat men don't face fat discrimination because they absolutely do, especially deathfats (because, yes, thin privilege exists on a spectrum too). Fat women are simultaneously oversexualized (read fetishized) by many people and desexualized by many people. The average girl starts her first diet at 8 years old, and fat women are at the biggest risk of eating disorders. It's harder to shop for affordable and fashionable clothing, and we're denied jobs, raises, and promotions more often than fat men. We're even more likely to be found guilty in court cases. Fat women face greater obstacles to access to birth control including abortion and are often forced to attempt weight loss while pregnant (studies show that dieting pregnant mothers lead to fatter babies).

Fat people are oppressed, but fat women face (at least) two forms of oppression that intersect and we absolutely  need fat men to stand up and acknowledge this fact. Women's rights and fat rights are inexorably linked. In fact, I didn't even become educated about feminism until I found fat acceptance. I couldn't help but read feminist theories and ideas when reading about fat acceptance issues.

Thin feminists and even many fat feminists still fail to recognize this and fatphobia is, unfortunately, extremely common in feminist circles. If your feminism isn't for all women, then who is it for? Just yourself? Just those you care about? (this leads to a disturbing question- do you not care about any fat people in your life?). This isn't a question about (or a post about) health because health is irrelevant in how much respect a person deserves. In how much dignity a person deserves. In how many rights a person deserves. This is a question of humanity and when a privileged person decides that a marginalized person is worthy of humanity. Of wholeness as a person.

At what weight do I become undeserving of basic rights and so deserving of scorn and oppression? Which magic number is that on the scale? This is my call to other feminists who are currently not fat inclusive to become so. To be truly intersectional. Fat acceptance is in the spirit of the day and I hope for every step we gain as feminists, we can gain as fat people too.

Shadowbox

Photo by Freeman Long

Photo by Freeman Long

Photo by Freeman Long

Photo by Freeman Long

Photo by Freeman Long

Photo by Freeman Long