Most of you know by now that I struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS) for over ten years. The thing that put me in recovery was fat acceptance. Before fat acceptance I suffered through diet after diet. Calorie counting was my thing. All in the name of thinness- a goal I never reached. I've also struggled with hypothyroidism for over a decade and bipolar for about two decades- both of which cause weight gain. I blamed myself for the longest time for being fat. Nevermind that it was clear that my genetics were working against me as every woman in my family is fat. Nevermind that these diseases were working against me. Nevermind that I ate less than anyone I knew, my willpower obviously not being a question. No, it was still all my fault. Because of this self blaming and internalized guilt and hatred I often felt depressed and suicidal.
After I read Lessons From the Fat O Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby that all fell away. The depression, the suicidal thoughts, the self blame and hatred and guilt. I threw away my scale and stopped counting calories. I followed intuitive eating habits and my diet balanced out. I never gained weight, or lost it either. So I stayed the same size regardless of whether I was dieting or following HAES, but with fat acceptance I was healthier and happier. Nothing can compare to that. All the fat haters out there can't argue against health or happiness. They can't say that being suicidal was better than being mentally stable. Or, if they do, they'll show themselves for the bigots they are. If it's all about health then I'm much healthier now than I ever was before while hating myself.
"International No Diet Day is an annual celebration of body acceptance, including fat acceptance and body shape diversity. This day is also dedicated to promoting a healthy life style with a focus on health at every size and in raising awareness of the potential dangers of dieting and the unlikelihood of success; the Institute of Medicine summarises: "those who complete weight loss programs lose approximately 10 percent of their body weight only to regain two-thirds within a year and almost all of it within five years." The first International No Diet Day was celebrated in the UK in 1992. Feminist groups in other countries around the globe have started to celebrate International No Diet Day" -Wikipedia
In other words, it's a day to celebrate the diversity and uniqueness of every body. A day for people like me to speak up and say that living a healthy happy life is far better than any hateful, harmful diet out there. Since 95% of diets fail and often leave dieters heavier than when they started, it seems like a no brainer to love your body, to feed it and nourish it, to move it, and to respect it. And none of those things mean losing weight. And let's not forget that health is multi dimensional and it's not a moral obligation.
So happy international no diet day everyone! It's a good day to make a resolution of self love and acceptance.
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Monday, May 6, 2013
Monday, December 3, 2012
Calories and Individuality
**Trigger warning for talk of counting calories and ED**
One week ago today I started counting calories again. No, not because I decided to drop all the body acceptance stuff and hate myself again, but because I get tired of the same 'ole "fatties eat a lot" bullshit over and over. What put me over the edge was a comment which flat out called me a liar for saying that I averaged between 1200-1700 calories when I used to count them. They said "I've seen a photo of you and there's no way you eat that much" or something to that effect. Yep, well here's a photo of me, fat rolls and all:
You can totally tell how much and what I eat from that photo right?? This project sort of started as a defensive "I totally defy the stereotype!", but it sort of progressed into "wait a minute, I'm a freaking individual". Because we are, aren't we? No matter how much they want to stereotype and stuff us into these tiny (or not so tiny) boxes and label us as all the same, we're all different. About a year ago I read about another fat activist blogger who did the same as me- counted calories (she did it for a day) to see how many she ate which was around 3,000. My average is closer to 1,500. Some fatties eat less than me, some eat more than me. Because here's the thing that fatphobes can't seem to wrap their tiny minds around- we're all different. Sorry, but it's true.
My experience counting calories again was one full of ED triggers for me. If I ate 1000 calories I would think, just for a second, t hat's not low enough. Because at the worst of my eating disorder 1000 calories was way above what I would eat. The least I ate was nothing and the most I ate was 500 calories. Maybe I should disclose that at this point I always did start losing weight. The fatphobes are quick to point out that if you starve someone they'll eventually lose weight. They really really love the second law of thermodynamics. And they're right that eventually starvation produces results, but there, you see? You see what their goal is? To literally starve people- something we know for a fact is a human rights violation as well as ridiculously unhealthy, just to have thin people. You have your proof that it has nothing to do with health (if you needed any more proof anyway). The problem fatphobes have is failing to understand that the body can 'decide' how many calories in and calories out it wants to have. If it doesn't want to lose those calories, it's going to hold onto them as tightly as possible. It's not that calories in/calories out is altogether false or that we somehow defy the laws of physics, it's that they have a basic lack of understanding of how the body uses and stores calories to begin with.
Anyway, back to my experience with counting. I found myself eyeing some of my old ED foods such as a single veggie burger with no bun and no sides or tofu noodles which , with only 20 calories per serving, were invaluable to me for keeping my calories at starvation levels. I had to constantly remind myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and how much I wanted. Sometimes I even ate extra just to defy my brain and it's ED instincts. Not to mention that counting calories is a huge pain in the ass. I can't believe I used to do it every day! So, here it is, calories every day for a week. Please don't read if you think you will find it at all triggering. And to see a diary of the actual foods I ate please visit my food blog: WTF Do You Eat? (Diary of a Fat Vegan). In the course of the week I ate normally and even enjoyed sweets and fast food.
Monday- 1903
Tuesday- 1137
Wednesday- 1099
Thursday- 1605
Friday- 1425
Saturday- 1656
Sunday- 1130
Which averages out to 1,422 calories a day. I think it's fair to say that, on average, I eat between 1000-1700 calories. Again, I can't stress enough that this is what I, as a fat individual eats. Not all fatties eat like me. I'm a gluten free vegan. We are from every walk of life including dietary lifestyles. Some of us binge, some of us don't, some of us eat healthfully, some of us don't, some of us eat a lot, some of us don't. What I want people to take away from this post isn't that I'm a "good fatty" for eating a healthy low calorie diet. I want them to take away that you can't tell what someone eats just by looking at them, regardless of size.
One week ago today I started counting calories again. No, not because I decided to drop all the body acceptance stuff and hate myself again, but because I get tired of the same 'ole "fatties eat a lot" bullshit over and over. What put me over the edge was a comment which flat out called me a liar for saying that I averaged between 1200-1700 calories when I used to count them. They said "I've seen a photo of you and there's no way you eat that much" or something to that effect. Yep, well here's a photo of me, fat rolls and all:
My experience counting calories again was one full of ED triggers for me. If I ate 1000 calories I would think, just for a second, t hat's not low enough. Because at the worst of my eating disorder 1000 calories was way above what I would eat. The least I ate was nothing and the most I ate was 500 calories. Maybe I should disclose that at this point I always did start losing weight. The fatphobes are quick to point out that if you starve someone they'll eventually lose weight. They really really love the second law of thermodynamics. And they're right that eventually starvation produces results, but there, you see? You see what their goal is? To literally starve people- something we know for a fact is a human rights violation as well as ridiculously unhealthy, just to have thin people. You have your proof that it has nothing to do with health (if you needed any more proof anyway). The problem fatphobes have is failing to understand that the body can 'decide' how many calories in and calories out it wants to have. If it doesn't want to lose those calories, it's going to hold onto them as tightly as possible. It's not that calories in/calories out is altogether false or that we somehow defy the laws of physics, it's that they have a basic lack of understanding of how the body uses and stores calories to begin with.
Anyway, back to my experience with counting. I found myself eyeing some of my old ED foods such as a single veggie burger with no bun and no sides or tofu noodles which , with only 20 calories per serving, were invaluable to me for keeping my calories at starvation levels. I had to constantly remind myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and how much I wanted. Sometimes I even ate extra just to defy my brain and it's ED instincts. Not to mention that counting calories is a huge pain in the ass. I can't believe I used to do it every day! So, here it is, calories every day for a week. Please don't read if you think you will find it at all triggering. And to see a diary of the actual foods I ate please visit my food blog: WTF Do You Eat? (Diary of a Fat Vegan). In the course of the week I ate normally and even enjoyed sweets and fast food.
Monday- 1903
Tuesday- 1137
Wednesday- 1099
Thursday- 1605
Friday- 1425
Saturday- 1656
Sunday- 1130
Which averages out to 1,422 calories a day. I think it's fair to say that, on average, I eat between 1000-1700 calories. Again, I can't stress enough that this is what I, as a fat individual eats. Not all fatties eat like me. I'm a gluten free vegan. We are from every walk of life including dietary lifestyles. Some of us binge, some of us don't, some of us eat healthfully, some of us don't, some of us eat a lot, some of us don't. What I want people to take away from this post isn't that I'm a "good fatty" for eating a healthy low calorie diet. I want them to take away that you can't tell what someone eats just by looking at them, regardless of size.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Dreaming of Wheels
I finally dreamed of myself in a wheelchair . How we view ourselves is often hard. What we think of ourselves, even how we picture ourse...
