Calories and Individuality

**Trigger warning for talk of counting calories and ED**

One week ago today I started counting calories again. No, not because I decided to drop all the body acceptance stuff and hate myself again, but because I get tired of the same 'ole "fatties eat a lot" bullshit over and over. What put me over the edge was a comment which flat out called me a liar for saying that I averaged between 1200-1700 calories when I used to count them. They said "I've seen a photo of you and there's no way you eat that much" or something to that effect. Yep, well here's a photo of me, fat rolls and all:

You can totally tell how much and what I eat from that photo right?? This project sort of started as a defensive "I totally defy the stereotype!", but it sort of progressed into "wait a minute, I'm a freaking individual". Because we are, aren't we? No matter how much they want to stereotype and stuff us into these tiny (or not so tiny) boxes and label us as all the same, we're all different. About a year ago I read about another fat activist blogger who did the same as me- counted calories (she did it for a day) to see how many she ate which was around 3,000. My average is closer to 1,500. Some fatties eat less than me, some eat more than me. Because here's the thing that fatphobes can't seem to wrap their tiny minds around- we're all different. Sorry, but it's true.

My experience counting calories again was one full of ED triggers for me. If I ate 1000 calories I would think, just for a second, t hat's not low enough. Because at the worst of my eating disorder 1000 calories was way above what I would eat. The least I ate was nothing and the most I ate was 500 calories. Maybe I should disclose that at this point I always did start losing weight. The fatphobes are quick to point out that if you starve someone they'll eventually lose weight. They really really love the second law of thermodynamics. And they're right that eventually starvation produces results, but there, you see? You see what their goal is? To literally starve people- something we know for a fact is a human rights violation as well as ridiculously unhealthy, just to have thin people. You have your proof that it has nothing to do with health (if you needed any more proof anyway). The problem fatphobes have is failing to understand that the body can 'decide' how many calories in and calories out it wants to have. If it doesn't want to lose those calories, it's going to hold onto them as tightly as possible. It's not that calories in/calories out is altogether false or that we somehow defy the laws of physics, it's that they have a basic lack of understanding of how the body uses and stores calories to begin with.

Anyway, back to my experience with counting. I found myself eyeing some of my old ED foods such as a single veggie burger with no bun and no sides or tofu noodles which , with only 20 calories per serving, were invaluable to me for keeping my calories at starvation levels. I had to constantly remind myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and how much I wanted. Sometimes I even ate extra just to defy my brain and it's ED instincts. Not to mention that counting calories is a huge pain in the ass. I can't believe I used to do it every day! So, here it is, calories every day for a week. Please don't read if you think you will find it at all triggering. And to see a diary of the actual foods I ate please visit my food blog: WTF Do You Eat? (Diary of a Fat Vegan). In the course of the week I ate normally and even enjoyed sweets and fast food.

Monday- 1903
Tuesday- 1137
Wednesday- 1099
Thursday- 1605
Friday- 1425
Saturday- 1656
Sunday- 1130

Which averages out to 1,422 calories a day. I think it's fair to say that, on average, I eat between 1000-1700 calories. Again, I can't stress enough that this is what I, as a fat individual eats. Not all fatties eat like me. I'm a gluten free vegan. We are from every walk of life including dietary lifestyles. Some of us binge, some of us don't, some of us eat healthfully, some of us don't, some of us eat a lot, some of us don't. What I want people to take away from this post isn't that I'm a "good fatty" for eating a healthy low calorie diet. I want them to take away that you can't tell what someone eats just by looking at them, regardless of size.

Women Eating

Huffington Post did a piece calling for photo submissions of women eating. No fake eating! Mouth on food action! I encourage you  all to submit your own photos. Here's mine:

For the Love of Food

"I just love food too much to ever be skinny"

That statement. I've seen it a hundred, a thousand times before. The good news is that it often comes from those who have decided to accept their bodies and end semi starvation diets. The problem I have with this statement, however, is that it alludes to the fact that people who weigh more, eat more. People don't seem to realize that thin people often enjoy food as well. In fact that's sort of a basic part of human survival. Food tastes good so you seek it out. If we didn't really enjoy food, as a species, we probably would have died out by now. It's okay to love food and it's not just something fat people do.

I got into a small debate on reddit many many months back, in which a girl was lamenting about her sweet tooth preventing her from losing weight. I pointed out that skinny people eat sweets too. Of course, you know, one person's experience means everyone has to have that experience too! So I got replies of skinny people who swear they've never touched a sweet! I get that, I do. I know plenty of people who enjoy salty foods more than sweet foods. My husband will reach for a bag of pretzels or chips over a cookie any day. But then I had some wonderful skinny people jump in and say "so what if you don't? I eat sweets every day! Multiple times a day! I love sweets and I'm a size 4!". My point; it was made.

I get the impression that some fat people that they just love food more than thin people and therein lies their problem. I get the same impression from thin people sometimes. I've been told by friends who thought they were supporting me and other fat people that they "never eat at a restaurant with a skinny chef", the assumption being that the food must not be as good so the cook doesn't shovel it into their mouths like a fat chef with good food must. Don't get me wrong, that's not the only food assumption about fat people; plenty of people think that fat people will eat anything regardless of whether or not it tastes good.

In reality, however, the act of restricting leads many dieting fatties to fantasize about and crave food. When you have a craving that food tastes better and you enjoy it more when you eat it. If I eat a cookie when I don't really want one, it tastes good but not OMGFANTASTIC like it does if I'm specifically craving it. This is what I like most about listening to what my body wants rather than what I decide it should want, by the way. Food is much more enjoyable.

So the bottom line: fat people love food. Thin people love food. People love food. That's not what's making you five, 20, or 100 lbs heavier than you'd like to be. Enjoy your food, it's okay, really! But don't use it to add stigma or reinforce stereotypes about why fat people are fat.