Basic Kindness

Let's revisit this image because it's my favorite image that I've ever helped create. Basic Kindness. What does that even mean? It's a philosophy that I try to live by (as with anyone I sometimes fail). Today I want to talk about basic kindness to yourself. Taking care of your own emotional well being. My last blog post stirred up a lot of turmoil from both internet trolls and people genuinely upset that I wasn't pro WLS or even tolerable of it. Most thought I was a horrible friend for protecting my own emotional well being. Like I'm supposed to come last just because I'm in a friendship.

The fact is that friendships end for a variety of reasons, but I think looking out for your own health is a pretty good one. During the internet troll brigade I was threatened, called sexist slurs as well as your basic fatphobic ones, but the big ones were the ones attacking me for having struggled with an eating disorder. I was called weak for doing something dangerous to become thin while my friend getting weight loss surgery was called brave for doing something dangerous to become thin. See the hypocrisy here from the weight loss community? People get defensive when you disagree with their choices. But regardless of how "weak" I was for having an eating disorder it is something that did happen to me and something that's a lifelong on going process to heal from. In short, diet and weight loss culture can be very triggering. Not only did I deal with an ED, I also dealt with self harm. Again, self loathing can be very triggering and can cause a recurrence or even a hospitalization. Bipolar is not fun or easy to deal with. I think it speaks to something about our culture when mental illness is so stigmatized. Weak for being mentally ill? I suppose people are weak for having lymphoma too? No no, that's one of those okay illnesses that we're allowed to sympathize with.

My point is that if someone were around something that could cause a recurrence of cancer and they wanted to distance themselves, no one would bat an eyelash. When you struggle with a mental illness and want to distance yourself from something that could hurt or even kill you? All bets are off. But just because mental illness or even the need to take care of oneself emotionally and mentally is stigmatized doesn't make it right. You have ever right to take care of yourself. You'd defend yourself from someone physically wouldn't you? So why not defend yourself from someone emotionally and mentally? It's okay,  you have the right to walk away. You have the right to be kind to yourself and to put your well being before anyone else. Yes, losing a friend sucks and I'm sorry that my friend has to go through that, but do you know what sucks worse? Ending up almost dead in a hospital room because I couldn't walk away from toxic people. A friendship shouldn't hurt you, it shouldn't drain you, it shouldn't make you worse off than you were to begin with. That goes for any relationship, by the way. If you're around someone who's toxic and bringing you down then have the courage to walk away (it's okay if you don't though, but know that it's an option).

Take care of yourself and your needs. You're important too. You matter. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

On Safe Spaces

Safe spaces are controversial. Usually contested by the privileged majority against the oppressed minority. Fat acceptance and body acceptance as a whole is unique in the sense that one does not have to be a part of the privileged in order to oppress. I don't know what it is, but we have a fantasy issue. This fantasy issue is why fat people, drowning in the fantasy of being thin, can actively engage in oppression of other fat people. It's why they don't understand why safe places for fatties often include no diet talk, no weight loss talk, and no "but health!" talk. The "but I'm fat too" argument just doesn't work here when you're still operating on a notion that you can and should be thin, even if you're not at the moment.

So the idea of a safe space is seen as "a circle jerk" as one person put it to me. Of people who agree with each other sitting around patting each other on the back for agreeing with each other. This is framed as a bad thing. It's called dictatorial and a repression of information and free speech. Maybe it is, but I can't say that I have a problem with it. Yes, we have to confront the bigotry and we have to work hard to change minds and to change a culture of sizism, fatphobia, and body hate, but where's the rule that says we have to do it all of the time? All day every day?

There are literally thousands of places on the web to discuss these issues and I feel there should be at least one place where people aren't guilted, shamed, accused, or judged based on their bodies. There are very very few places (and when i say few I mean a handful only) where people can go and be safe from body shame.. I'll divulge to you this: many of the people who have to defend against those accusations have to do it constantly in the rest of our lives.. and i don't just mean bloggers.. i mean all of us BA activists/advocates. We have to defend body acceptance to friends, family, strangers, internet trolls, seemingly concerned citizens, our doctors, and everyone else. We have to constantly worry about bullying and discrimination and the very real and damaging effects thereof. It's nice to have one place- just one! (because I haven't found many others believe me!) that we can go and just chill. To be in good company with other people who are all for body acceptance and to just pat each other on the back and say "yeah.. you're fine the way you are.. sit back and take a break". This also sometimes means that spaces are designated just for fat acceptance instead of overall body acceptance (I know from experience that a lot of thin privilege denying sneaks into body acceptance areas- hence the need for a space just for fat people).

 This isn't about someone's right to their bigotry, it's not about the right to free speech, it's not about the need to intellectual and civil discussions. It's about the importance  of looking after our own health, including our mental well being. It is not okay for anyone to force constant emotional stress upon us, including complaining about our attempt  to get away from emotionally draining and never ending abuse. It is our right to take a mental health day every once in a while.