Lighten Up, It's Just a Joke

A great article called, Lighten Up by The Real Katie, has been going around. It's a feminist post about sexism in the programming world. Not just the obvious sexism but the little things that add up to it sucking to be a woman in, well, really any geek circle. As I read it I couldn't help but think about how it also applies to fat people or any oppressed group really. But since this is a fat acceptance blog, we'll talk about it in that context.

People have this misconception that making something into a joke gives it a free pass. People who feel that you can make a joke out of anything and no one has the right to be offended because, hey, lighten up, it's just a joke! Unfortunately for people who are systematically subjugated with routine discrimination, stigma, threats, and even violence, a joke is a little more than just a joke.

So yeah, I'm also tired of being told to "lighten up". Or that I'm being overly sensitive or too PC. When you make a fat joke, you're not talking to the air, you're talking about me and you're spreading stereotypes through humor. Ragen at Dances With Fat calculated that we receive about 386,170 negative messages about our bodies each year. And it's the big things as well as the little things. That's over a thousand negative messages about our bodies every day. How long could you go without getting pissed?  A dozen comments? A hundred? Those negative messages are putting fat people or even people afraid of being fat at a higher risk for eating disorders and even suicide. Since eating disorders are more common in children than diabetes, I think it's time to take a serious look at why telling us to just "lighten up" is such bullshit.

In fact, telling people to lighten up has been used against oppressed groups for a really long time. What? You're angry because people constantly mentally and physically attack you for your body size? Oh lighten up. You're mad because you've been denied health care even with no pre existing conditions? Geeze, lighten up. You're mad because your kid just killed himself due to weight bullying? Why are you being such a hard ass? Lighten up. Really, at what point do you stop lightening up and start getting angry? At what point is it justified to these people? It's not. Not ever. These people wouldn't care if they started marching fat people up to a slaughterhouse, at any hint of anger they'd be told to lighten up.

Well hell no. I'm not going to lighten up. Not about women's rights, not about LGBT rights, not about fat rights (and each group faces it's own unique set of issues- I'm not trying to say they're all exactly the same). I believe strongly in all of these things and just because it kills your buzz at a party doesn't mean I'm going to stop. That I'm going to let that fat joke slide or that comment about how fat people shouldn't be allowed health care, or that the depression is their own fault. I'm going to get mad and I'm not going to apologize for it nor should I. Stand up, get mad, and get something done. It helps to not just start screaming at random people who say something stupid, but don't be bullied into backing down from an honest to goodness issue that needs to be addressed. If someone tells you to lighten up then you tell them if everyone did so when told then there'd be a hell of a lot of people without rights.

From The Real Katie's "Lighten Up"

How long would you put up with it? Do you love anything that much? If your spouse subtly treated you like crap every day, how long would your marriage last? If you saw a friend being treated this way by their boss, wouldn't you tell them to quit? 

Or would you tell them to lighten up?

You, person who told me to lighten up, saw one little thing. It didn't seem like a big deal, did it? One little line! One joke! One comment! But it's not just one thing to me: it's one of thousands that I've had to endure since I was old enough to be told that 'X is for boys!' It's probably not even the first thing I've had to deal with that day, unless you've gotten to me pretty early. 

That's the main problem with subtle discrimination. It leaves those that it affects the most powerless against it, quietly discouraging them. If they speak up, they're treated to eye rolls at the least, and at the worst, are called oppressors themselves. We're accused of not wanting equal rights, but of wanting tyranny. 

I would just like the million little barbs to stop, and I would like to not be told to 'lighten up'.

Tips on Approaching Women

Fellow fat activist, male blogger, and feminist, Brian from Red No. 3, wrote this piece about the difference between attraction and objectification. The reactions seemed fairly typical- from various places I saw it posted it seemed to be (mostly) women who said "Right on!" and (mostly) men who said "Hey wait a minute... you can't tell us who to be attracted to!" (Go ahead, take a moment to face palm). Some people didn't seem to understand the difference between objectification and attraction. A few people expressed some confusion on how to tell a woman that you like her without walking up to her and saying "hey sweet cheeks, more cushion for the pushing I always say *wink wink*".  This is called sexual harassment guys. This issue, of course, crosses over with feminism as well as rape culture, so I'm going to tell you how to tell that girl that you're interested without sexually propositioning her.

First, let's set up the scene. You see a woman and you just feel the chemistry. You have to ask her out or at least let her know that you think she's gorgeous.

Acceptable places to approach a woman:

• In a library
• At a social gathering 
• A book store
• When she's with friends
• At the grocery store
• Online
• Any public, well lit place

Unacceptable places to approach a woman:

• Anywhere she's alone
• In a confined space like an elevator or spaces that are otherwise difficult to escape from
• On a dark street/alley 
• At her home or hotel room (see a cute girl at the sci fi convention and decide to follow her back to her room to hit on her? Reconsider that) 

Okay- great! Got that? If you like her you don't want to scare her. I know you think she should assume you're a nice guy and has nothing to be afraid of, but chances are high that she or someone she knows has been sexually assaulted and she doesn't know you from Adam. By the way, these tips can be used on approaching men as well. While they're certainly less likely to face sexual assault, better safe than sorry and it's your job (yes yours since you're the one doing the approaching) to make them feel as safe as possible.

So now let's move on to what to say. How on earth can you tell a woman you think she's the bee's knees without telling her explicit details of your sexual fantasies? Easy! Just don't do it! When thinking of sexually harassing or objectifying someone, follow the same procedures that you would if you were thinking of raping them- just don't do it! Don't try to blame them- don't say they deserve it because of what they are (or aren't) wearing. Don't justify doing it because you "know she secretly wants it".

Things you can say:

• Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're gorgeous/pretty/beautiful
• Hey, mind if I sit here? What are you reading? 
• Would you like to grab a coffee sometime? (I'd stay away from suggesting alcohol)
• Here's my phone number/email/chat- I'd love to talk sometime (Don't ask her for hers)

Things not to say:

• You are fucking sexy as hell baby
• If I had all night with you... 
• I want to..... with you
• Wanna go back to my room/apartment/house? 

Keep in mind that these rules apply on the internet as well. Sending a woman of a photo of your dangly bits is sexual harassment as much as flashing her on the street. 

But wait, you say, what is objectification anyway?

The simplest definition is treating someone like an object. Sexual objectification is reducing a person's role or being to a sexual one, disregarding their intelligence, feelings, or other aspects which make up a complete human being. Fat women in particular often get fetishized. So what does that mean? A fetish, in simple terms, is an object, body part, of characteristic that is needed for sexual gratification. So a fat fetishist is sexually attracted to a person's fat. I've seen this come across as specific body parts as well- belly, thighs, back rolls, arm fat, etc.

So, all you have to do is remember that people don't exist for your sexual gratification, and you remember that they are entire people, not just their breasts, not just their asses, not just their fat.. then you should be good!

Someone, in response to the whole idea that women shouldn't be treated like sex objects, specifically women who dare to have an online presence or post photos (on facebook, flickr, blogs, whatever!) should expect to be objectified- that it's common. Yes, indeed it is, but something being common doesn't mean it should be common. And it doesn't mean that no one should speak out against it. All you have to do is treat women with respect and don't think of them as sex dolls! A great post on tumblr said "My actions will never control your actions and my actions will ever absolve you of responsibility for the things you do and say to me." Now, with that in mind, you have all the tools you need, go ahead and approach that cutie!

One last thing- to avoid objectifying women while masturbating, try to picture a generic woman (if you feel the need to picture anyone at all), not any individual, or, at the very least, don't think of her as just her genitals.

When is okay to laugh at the disabled?

Answer: NEVER

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when I read an article about how the hit TV show, Tosh.0, may inadvertently be helping the lgbt community lessen homophobia. Tosh.0 is a modern day version of America's Funniest Home Videos except that the videos are youtube videos. Seeing as my browser rarely lets me watch videos inside of blogs I went directly to youtube to watch the video of Daniel Tosh and his coworkers popping viagra and watching hardcore gay porn which, unfortunately, alerted me to this video:

transcript:
Tosh: When is it okay to laugh at the disabled?
video of two fat women in electric wheelchairs going down the road with one wheelchair hooked to the first. [laughter]
Tosh: now, now, now!
video replays
Tosh: if train A leaves walmart going 1 mile an hour... good thing she swung for the tow package on that rascal. And I see mom's wearing her going out tarp [laughter]. Shame on you for laughing. I don't find these jokes funny. Whenever I see someone in a wheelchair I always offer them a ride
video clip of a truck towing a long series of wheelchairs behind it with the last wheelchair turned over and being dragged with no one inside.
Tosh: 98% of them made it to their destination safely

So when is okay to make fun of the disabled? Well when they're fat of course!  Because then you know it's their own fault- unlike that football player who became completely paralyzed during a game.. no, he didn't put himself in that situation at all. Being a football player is genetic and being fat is a choice you know. At 0:17 you can see the second woman flip off the camera guy- good for her! And I sincerely hope with every bit of my being that she went home, got on a fat acceptance support group and was able to get pissed off with lots of people supporting her. Not only was she recorded by some random asshole in a car just for having the audacity to appear in public while fat but the video went viral and ended up on a national TV show.

I can't even begin to articulate why this is so disgusting. Not only do they have no idea why these women are fat or why they are disabled, but even if they did, it doesn't give them the right to emotionally and psychologically abuse these women. And I hope it truly hits home how severe the word "abuse" is because I mean it in it's most serious form. These men are using sizism, sexism, classism, and ableism to oppress and grievously injure complete strangers who have does nothing to them except  dare to appear in their line of vision.

Bigotry 101: if your sentence starts with "when is okay to laugh at" followed by an oppressed group then you should probably stop right there.

Fattie Stigma

As you  may have already heard from your favorite fat bloggers, today kicks off the Weight Stigma Blog Carnival in order to raise awareness for National Weight Stigma Awareness Week which takes place September 26th-30th, created by the Binge Eating Disorder Association. The Blog Carnival is being done by Voices In Recovery Anyone can participate in the Blog Carnival so jump in and join me if you have a blog! So this is blog 1 of 3 from now until September for this particular event.

Today's topic: What does weight stigma mean to you?

Let's see if I can properly gather my thoughts on this. Apologies in advance for any rambly-ness as this wasn't a planned post.

To me, weight stigma is a form of systematic oppression. There are a lot of components that include fatphobia, sexism,ableism, and homophobia. Fist I'll point out that the majority of body shaming and weight stigma is perpetrated against women. Reducing women to their bodies, to how sexually appealing they are, is simply another means of controlling them. In our society a woman's body is pretty much free for public commentary.  Our bodies are constantly a source of debate. Weight stigma is used to judge our sexual worth, our value as "real" women, our to ability birth children, and even our fitness as parents. Women have a narrow range of body shape or size which is socially acceptable and there are very few places where we don't see weight centered issues specifically targeted at women. I'm sure you've noticed that the vast majority of diet ads, for example, target women.

That's not to say that men aren't also effected by weight stigma. When male bodies break gender norms by being either too big or too small, then you suddenly get a heavy dose of homophobia thrown in when these men aren't seen as "real" men.

So what does weight stigma mean to me? It means discrimination and oppression and control and ruining a lot of peoples' lives. It's control on so many levels because it encompasses so many topics and groups of people. The diet industry brings in (come on, we've heard it enough- we can all say it together!) 60 billions dollars a year. If that doesn't shout control I don't know what does. People are so desperate to conform to the right body type, and the right size that they'll do almost anything, listen to almost anything, believe almost anything just to reach that goal. The best way to control someone is to break them and weight stigma has done a great job of that.Weight stigma is violence against women (among other groups, but primarily women) and is part of a larger culture of misogyny.

Of course, that's not all that weight stigma is, but it's an important part and my brain just sort of took it and ran with it. So what does weight stigma mean to you?

Hey hot stuff.. no, the other girl

Photo from today's shoot

This morning I woke up a nervous wreck. With my newfound confidence in my body and my curvaceous hips I took a gig as a model for a boudoir class. I bought a great new piece of lingerie- something clingy which is something I've always stayed away from. I always erred on the side of flowing babydolls. Red and black with fishnet stockings I was ready to do serious business. Of course having a dozen people staring at you in the middle of a room is a little nerve wracking. So I got up early, carefully got ready and arrived an hour early as always.

The first few people who arrived for the class didn't realize I was one of the model despite the fact that I was the only person without a camera. Nor did they question that the other two girls were models since they didn't have any camera. The teacher pointed me out along with the other girls when making introductions and I could see some wariness on a few faces.

I was first on the beautiful red fainting couch with a slightly deeper red backdrop. The teacher spent a few minutes talking about technical stuff, took a few photos to show the students and then instructed each one to come up and take a turn. Not a lot of creativity- no one telling me how to pose or to give them this look or turn that way. I didn't think anything of it until.... The next model took her turn prefaced with, again, technical talk about lighting and F-stops and the photographers went to town. They couldn't get enough. It wasn't the obligatory turn taking but rather crowding, instruction giving, posing, and creativity. Well I didn't think much of that either actually.. just that perhaps they were warming up- as any artist will tell you sometimes it takes a while before the ideas start racing.The third model had just as much clamoring for edgy gothy photos. The only thing I think I was good for was doing her makeup.

Then came the food- I suppose boudoir automatically means eating phallic shaped foods and this was no different. The first girl, a beautiful girl with auburn brown hair, dipped a long jalapeño pepper in honey and did all of the poses you might expect. The shots were just gorgeous! I even wished I'd had my camera! The edgy girl didn't want to do any food shots- she was edgy after all, so it was my turn.. I got the banana (Freud would be proud). Out of a dozen photographers only two wanted to shoot me. That was it. At this point it was starting to set in. I had vaguely noticed (perhaps I'm wrong.. we'll see when I get the photos back) that no one was taking full body shots of me like they were the other two girls. Next the auburn hair girl took another turn- adorable full body shots of her jumping, pouting, twirling her hair. Then shots of the edgy girl being, well, edgy. Then the teacher announces I'm next and everyone leaves. I'm not kidding you.

Everyone. Left.

A few other things made me feel pretty shitty or angered me. The teacher was giving advice on dealing with certain personalities.. one being the girl who was just completely full of herself whom you could never get natural poses from. He suggested insulting her- "have you gained weight?" he said in his best mocking tone. My first thought was "why should she care if she gained weight?! There's nothing wrong with that!". But of course we all know how bad it is to be fat or, hell, even 10lbs heavier than a size 6. There were some sexist, degrading comments about both men and women (men are just poor simple creatures and women are overly emotional).

Another thing that bothered me is that the other girls were stripped down to their undies (including edgy girl being topless) while I spent $40 on this great new outfit and was asked to keep my skirt on the whole time. I kept asking if the teacher wanted me to strip down like the other girls and got "umm.. no no, you're fine". I wish I'd worn the ugliest pair of jeans I had just so I didn't have to deal with that. In order to get shot in my entire outfit I had to specifically ask for a couple photos after everyone else had left.

This experience definitely didn't boost my confidence even though I'm trying, very hard, to focus on the two people who actually did really want to shoot me. Will it keep me from modeling in other classes or in other gigs with other thinner models? No, but I'm certainly disappointed that what I expected is what happened. It shows me just how hard the road ahead is.